Slow Start Sunday

Baby Food Diet Day 1-
Yesterday morning I weighed in at 143.6
This morning I weigh in at 142.4 that's a loss of 1.2 lbs!

Now, yesterday was the first day of the diet.
I started my day with my vitamins a glass of water and fruities peach, apple, & banana baby food for breakfast. (90 cals).
Then for lunch I was with my boyfriend so I had a bit of popcorn chicken thinking that would be my one solid food.
Unfortunately we had dinner at his parents house. so I had a small serving of bean and turkey soup. UGH! but clearly it wasn't too bad if I still lost a pound. I did get enough of water. the baby food wasn't bad. it tasted pretty ok, sorta like super smooth apple sauce.

Today Is day 2 and hopefully it  will be easier. I'm going to start keeping one of my little packets with me so I can play sick if I need and still get my baby food in. I'm going to be home all day today and so I can get my breakfast and lunch in no problem hopefully, then since it's new years eve I'm spending the night with my boyfriend, and wine is on the menu I don't know about any food though.

Alright so there you have it!
Stay strong ladies!
XOXOXO

NEW YEAR NEW BLOG!!!

Okay!
So the new year is coming, and I'm hoping to get down to my UGW this year.
but with so many diets out there, and so many ways for a girl to try to lose weight how on earth are we supposed to chose???
I've decided to take on different diets, do them and tell you all about them on here.
I decided to start a little bit crazy.
WITH.....
.....drum roll.....

the BABY FOOD diet!!!!

HOORAY!!!!
I've researched it, and the basic idea is that baby food is low cal, portion controlled, high in nutrients, and not solid so should slide right through. and the rules are simple.
1) eat baby food for 2 meals a day, ideally breakfast and dinner.
2) have a normal meal for dinner, so as to get some solid food in 'ya if you can try and only eat half portions.
This is meant to be more of a cleanse so it's recommended for about a week. Jennifer Anistan, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Lady Gaga have all been linked to it.

I will be doing this diet for a week. in the morning I will drink a glass of water have my baby food, then follow it with another glass of water. the same for lunch and then a small dinner. if I have to because of family or boyfriend complications I will adjust my "solid meal" as I see fit.
I'm going to try to stick to this, and check in nightly. tomorrow morning I'll post my starting weight. Tomorrow will be baby food day one! wish me luck!

Now since I'll be doing this for 7 days eating baby food twice a day I'll need 14 things of baby food, I found these cute little pouches at work, they look like a kind of applesauce my mom sometimes buys me so I thought they'd be good. I only went for fruit flavors, because I just couldn't bring myself to buy peas, or god forbid a chicken dinner. GROSS!!!
I got 9 pouches with flavors I thought I'd like then I'll get some more after I know I like them and if I stick to it like I hope I will.

I got 2 brands, Gerber, and Beech Nut (an all natural brand).
In the Gerber I got 3 Gerbers Graduates Grabbers
-Apple, Mango & Strawberry (60 cals)
-Banana Blueberry (100 cals)
-Fruit and Yogurt Strawberry Banana (100 cals)
and then 1 Gerber Organic
-Banana Mango (90cals)
In the Beech Nut I got 5 Fruities On-The-Go
-Banana, Apple, & Strawberry (90 cals)
-Apple, Peach & Strawberry (80 cals)
-Peach, Apple & Banana (90 cals)
-Apple, Mango & Carrot (70 cals)
-Peach, Mango & Squash (70 cals)
I had  picture of all of them on my bed but I lost it :(

All in all It should be fun. Hopefully you'll all like my blog give me feed back!
Stay strong my dearies!
XOXOXO

Ho Hum

Sorry I've been gone for a few days.
Things have been busy!
I am so not looking forward to the holidays!
I have to attend not one, not two, not three, but FOUR dinners.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!
All of them with my boyfriend.
It's going to be difficult.
I'm going to zumba here in a bit! I can't wait!
I'm fasting today, and hopefully tommorrow.
I've started taking gummy vitamins,
they're great you can take them without eating and you don't get sick.
I was taking normal vitamins before but when I took them on an empty stomache they made me wasnt to puke, and they don't get into your system right if they don't have anything to bond with.
SO, gummies are the ones for me!
I'm also taking some for hair and nails.
My hair has always been slow at growing, and I'm trying to grow it out, so these should help.
YUP.
 Boring post I know.
I'm sorry.
I did want to ask if anyone had ever used laxatives, and what it was like.
I'm just curious.
PLEASE comment and tell me about it.
Stay stong my loves!
XOXOXO

If I let You In, Will You Run Away?

SO, I told Chris today about my self hatred...
Not about my relationship with ana,
but I did tell him about how I hate how I look.
I told him about how I haven't felt confident, and how that's why I haven't been aggressive.
He started to blame himself, and I told him that it's not his fault.
I've always felt this way.
He seemed surprised, and almost hurt.
He doesn't understand how I can't see myself the way he sees me,
but I can't.

Why can't I?
Why am I so broken???

I apologized for being so fucked up.
I've told him all along that I'm fucked up.
He never seems to believe me.
He says that he hates it when I say that I'm fucked up.
But It's how I feel.
Maybe once I'm thin I can feel the way he thinks I should.

Yesterday it snowed, I grabbed my pea coat from last winter.
Chris and I walked across the road to the store and I put it on.
He asked why I was wearing such a large coat.
I told him that it fit me last winter,, it's now too big,
I've lost about 25ish pounds.
He was amazed. I told him when we first started dating that if he had met me earlier on in the year he wouldn't have wanted me.
And how I had lost a lot of weight.
He didn't believe me. then when he saw the coat, and pinched all the extra fabric he was amazed.
I hate that he knows how big I used to be.
I just know he was picturing me as a fat ass.
His ex was fat, but I feel like she was the size I was before I lost all that weight.
I feel disgusting.
I want to be thin. I want his friends to look at me and say
:wow, she's the hottest girl you've ever been with"
I know they don't think that now.

I will be enough.
Pretty enough
Smart enough
THIN enough...

Stay strong my lovelies!
Think of me!
XOXOXO

Scale, Stress, and No Sex

So I made it on my three day fast! YES!
I did eat a little Friday and Saturday.
I've now gone 17 hours so far without eating.
I'm hoping I can turn today into a fasting day even though I wasn't planning on it.
I am going to do another three day fast this week, Monday Tuesday and Wednesday.
Thursday I have a date planned with my boyfriend which means food, but I'll "feel ill" so not much.

I have no clue what I weigh right now and it's stressing me out!
My scale hasn't been working properly.
I'll weigh myself 4 times in a row and each time I get a different reading.
AAAAAHHH!!!
What am I going to do?
I asked mom if we can get a new one, and she didn't seem keen on the idea.
Today we went and saw some friends and they all kept commenting on how "thin" I've gotten.
I think that made her worry.
But honestly I'm not thin. I've gone from a hippo, to a baby hippo perhaps.
But I am certainly not thin!

It's so frustrating.
One lady asked how much I've lost. I said "oh, some".
And she told me I don't need to loose any more.
I shrugged and said "we'll see"
She laughed thinking I was kidding.
They don't understand.
I NEED to lose the weight. then maybe I'll be happy and comfortable in my own skin.
I'm certainly not right now.

Chris and I have been having little problems. nothing major, but problems for sure.
We haven't had sex for about a week now, and he asked if it was his fault.
I have tried. And it's not his fault. I'm not good on picking up on his ridiculously subtle hints.
Apparently when he said "I'm going to change" after he got home from work that was my cue to follow him into to bedroom and jump him.
How was I supposed to know???
I told him it's not him, and it isn't.
Honestly I haven't felt particularly attractive lately.
And he's been in a piss poor mood.
And now he's playing the poor him card.
Acting like I don't wand him.
He wants me to be so much more aggressive then I am.
I worry that I'm not enough for him.
I'm terrified that he's going to get bored of me.
And now that I'm moving in with him everything is getting so much more real.
There's no turning back.
If we break up now it's going to be a nightmare trying to move out.
I just don't know.
I want to be so perfect for him.
I can't be that aggressive person in the bedroom if I don't feel confident and sexy.
I want to. But I just don't feel it.
Hopefully I can get out of my head and get over these winter blues and just be what he wants.
I was an actress in high school.
I'm going to play the part of confident girlfriend until I can truly be it.
Let's hope I'm as convincing as I think I can be.

Stay strong my loves! Think of me.
XOXOXO

The Sweet Taste Of Success

I have officially made it 60 hours without food!
 AND this morning I weighed in at 140!
Hell Yeah!
7 more pounds and I'll be at my lowest weight! I'm so excited!
This fast is going amazing! I haven't had any cravings yesterday, or today.
In fact I'm not even a little bit hungry.
Hopefully I can make it till 11 tonight without Chris trying to feed me.
He got really strange yesterday, I think he knows I haven't eaten the last couple days.
I tried to tell him I did but he seemed skeptical.
I didn't think he noticed I didn't munch on his fries yesterday like I usually do, but maybe he did notice. Hmmm...
Oh well. I really don't care, as long as I keep losing. I'm so close to my lowest weight, I can't wait to break through that and keep going lower and lower.
I'm at 140, one of my mini goals which means I get a little reward, but I'm not going to allow myself to, unless I can maintain this weight, or keep dropping. I'm thinking for at lesat 3 or so days.
Well ladies,boring post, I know, but I'll hopefully have something better to say later, this was mostly just a little check in.
Stay strong ladies!
XOXOXO

Starvation is Fullfilling

I've officially gone over 48 hours without eating a thing. I went to zumba and did awesome! I worked my ass off and when I was done I was sweaty, gross and oh so happy! After zumba came a challenge, my boyfriend Chris and I were at walmart waiting for a call (I'll explain in a moment) and we went into McDonald's to have a little sit down, and he ordered a huge meal, normally I much on his fries, but I told him no, and that I felt a little sick. He seemed a little concerned but ultimately accepted it! YES! I weighed in at 142.6 today! YAY! I'm getting there, slowly but surely! I'm surprised how easy fasting has been. I almost don't want to eat ever again. I felt a little weak after zumba and thought that I might have reached my limit from all the working out, but when I went to get something to eat everything looked disgusting, so I settled for a cup of tea. I'm so glad I'm getting my control back! THANK ANA! lol

K happy story time now!
Chris got his apartment today! YAY!!!
It's so cute! And he wants me to move in with him, which I will eventually. I spent today with him waiting to find out if he got approved, and once he did we got the money order (the reason we were at walmart) and went and got his keys! he even gave me one! I'm so excited! I helped him move most of his stuff in today, and I'm going to help with the rest, and some of mine tomorrow! I'm so excited like you don't even know! I love him so much! sorry that was gushy.

Any who, I'm dead tired. Night lovelies!
Stay Strong!
XOXOXO