The Fasting and the Furious ^.^

In an hour I will have fasted for 24 hours. and its been SO easy! I'm almost worried at how easy it's been. But hey I'm not complaining. Day 1 down, and 2 days to go YUP! I'm gunna kick ass at this! YEAAAAHHH buddy!

Ok so side bar, tonight I went on this "almost date" thing. like it wasnt a date but it was me and this totally adorable guy, and we hung out and ended up kissing and banging.  I'm not a prude but I've always hated my body, sex was how i used to deal with this self hatred, I constantly saught out the aproval from guys, well I still have a little bit of that. And before we hooked up I was in my underwear wishing it was darker in the room and he asked me to spin and told me I had a great body. It took everythingI had not to laugh or tell him he is full of shit. Isn't it funny how the old things that should make me feel good about myself make me feel worse? hm... not really sure how i feel about all this. All I know is that I do not have a great body, and i wil not until I am down to my UGW or lower. Ugh, I'm sure he was just saying that. FUH! Well I feel like awful, so I'm going to go to sleep so I don't risk a binge.

I can always use buddies! message me!
Stay strong! Ana Love XOXO

Fast With Me!

Ok, so I went on a crazy binge yesterday! I'm too afraid to step on the scale and see what the damage is. So I am going to do a three day water fast. Period end of story. Tommorrow will be day 1, today was supposed to be but i had to go to Costco with mom and she was "concerned" that i didnt want samples. I told her they just looked gross and she knew something was up so I ended up eating in front of her to get her of my back. Damn I wish I could purge sometimes.

Anyway, tommorrow will be day 1, Sunday day 2 and Monday day 3. I only got a 4 hour shift tommorrow instead of my regular 9 which pisses me off a lil bit and will make it a little more difficult to fast, when I work I can't eat it keeps me very distaracted. I will have to find some other way to distract myself. Feel free to fast with me. If you need a buddy I'm always here, we could email or text I have unlimited messages and pretty much live on my phone so yeah. Stay Strong my beauties <3

Regrets are Mistakes you don't Learn from...

Okay, so checking in after what was one HELL of a weekend. full of ups, downs, adn a shit ton of confusion. Mostly coming from a couple guys. FUH! I threw a party Saturday and got pretty drunk, like blacked out drunk, BIG MISTAKE! One of the biggest i think I've ever made honestly. Do i regret it? A little. But I've learned from it, so no more of that shit for me! Social drinking occasionally but I never want to let myself get that far out of hand again.

On the upside I lost May have drank but i puked all of it up and when i got back home from house sitting i had dropped a couple pounds and am now sitting at 138! This is the lowest I've ever been! FUH YEAH!!! Just gotta keep it up!

Well my lovelies just thought I'd drop in for a quick update I'll fill you in on all the drama another time. Sweet Dreams, Stay Strong. XOXO

Honey, It Ain't the Jeans That Make Your Butt Look Fat...

Ok, so I thought I'd tell y'all a Little bit about how I found my friendship with Ana.

I've always had strange eating habits. Always trying the latest diets, and going days without eating without really noticing, but then I'd go crazy and binge eat for a while.

And through it all my best friend has always been able to eat like a garbage disposal, do little to no physical activity and still manages to stay skinny, Fucking Bitch. Every time I see her I feel fat and disgusting and hate myself for being that "fat friend".

She's been going to college out of state so I don't see her often, but we still talk all the time, and this fall she might move in and live with my family and me. I'm so excited, I have a sister but she's 11 years older than me and lives in another state so when Laynie moves in it will be like having a sister for real! And I've always wanted to share clothes and all that sisterly stuff, but I knew that wasn’t about to happen with me being at the time 170 and her at 133. So I set out to lose 50lbs, thinking that because she's a little taller than me I need to weigh less so that we can fit in the same clothes.

The last time she visited she forgot a pair of jeans, I told her and am going to give them to her next time she comes, but now they’re my little inspiration sitting in the back of my dresser drawer. And every once in a while I'll take them out and try them on. The first time I couldn’t even get them up. It was horrifying! Well now I can pull them up nearly all the way! My monstrous thighs suffocate but they're up AND I can button and zip them. Now they don't fit but I still feel proud of how far I've come. Looking in the mirror I still see myself as a fat ass, and I have a hard time believing what the scale says. I don't feel like I'm losing but it says that I am. but trying on these jeans, it's like proof that I am indeed shrinking, slowly, and I have a fucking long ass way to go till I get to my UGW, but I am indeed getting closer.

This is just part of the story. The Laynie chapter. I'll fill you in on the John chapter next probably. I already told you enough of the Doug chapter a few posts ago (the one with a fire under my fat ass). Then there's the me chapter, which includes my "loving" family. I'm gunna share some of my tips and tricks that I've found work best soon too. Probably in between my lame ass stories. Stay strong girls! We can do it!

Checking In :]

So this morning I'm weighing in at 141! H-Yeah! I'm still a fat ass but I was pretty worried, yesterday beforework I had a salad with ctoutons and ranch! FAT right? I added salsa and sliced jalepenos cuz those boost your metabolism, but still ranch and croutons for her royal fatty! But that was all I had ate all day which wasn't too bad. But then I got to work, and it's inventory week which means alot of shit to do and alot of heavy lifting. I worked my ass of and was sweating like crazy! Which, as gross as it seems, means I'm burning calories so I'm ok with looking gross at work, there wasn't any one there that I wanted to impress anyway. I worked a six and a half hour shift which i love cuz it keeps be busy and distracted, EXCEPT they make me take a half our lunch, which means I'm sitting on my ass in the breakroom for a half hour, where they ALWAYS have food, last night was muffins, and coffee. and what did FATTY do? She had half a fucking chocolate muffin and a carmel coffee thingy! Afterwards I wanted to DIE! ugh! So yeah the scale worried me this morning, but I guesse working as hard as I did payed off. Almost to my goal for this weekend. Wish me luck. Stay strong ladies!

P.S. I got the cutest friggin samdals formaking it to 145! (25 down just saying!)
theyre all sparkly and adorable and only $10! Amazing yes? thoughts?

The Only Place You'll Find Success Before Work is in the Dictionary.

Welp as of this morning I weigh 143! WOOO! Just gotta keep going, I'd like to be in the 130 range for 4th of July, so keep your fingers crossed for me. I had a really hard time starting to fast last week, but it's been much easier this week, I restricted myself alot last week, and now I hardly feel hungry at all. Peppermint gum has been my savior, as well as water, and Monster Absolute Zero! Whenever I think I'm about to binge I chew some gum and tell myself to hold out till after work, or till I get home, and everytime I get to that mark I tell myself the craving is over, or guzzle a glass of water. and I must say it's working!
I really wanna be down to 140 or lower by this weekend. I'm house sitting and a bunch of friends that I haven't seen since high school are coming over, and I'd really like to look at least decent. The last time they say me senior year I was probably in the 150 range. Yikes right? I went to an arts school surounded by size 0 dancers. Life wasn't so great. Then I went to college and you got it gained the freshman 15, and the sophomore 5, I dunno if that's a real thing but I ended up a fucking fat cow! so I'd like to be smaller than the last time they saw me ya know? Especially since a couple of these boys are really very hott!
People have started noticing that I've lost weight, one girl at work told me I was looking good and that it was obvious that I lost alot, then backpeddled saying that I didn't need to lose much cuz I was already cute, blah blah same shat trying to make me "feel pretty" it didn't work, even her telling me I looked good didn't work. In the back of my mind Ana was there whispering "yeah right you won't look good untill you lose another 20lbs" and frankly I'm going to listen to Ana over the 40 year old lady at me work. No one has caught on to or even suspects about my friendship with Ana. My boss asked if I'd been working out and when I said yes he said he could tell. My mom said she was glad to see that I was eating healthy. I couldnt help but laugh. I had no idea that less that 300 calories a day was healthy. I havent told anyone about all of this, besides my blog. Not even my best friend. I'm afraid that if I tell some one they'll look at me and ask why I'm still fat. So mums the word. The las thing I need is "caring"(medeling) friends and family trying to "help" me.
You have no idea how much writing this helps. But I could always use an Ana buddy. Some one I could talk to when I'm about to binge, some one who could remind me that every step I take away from food is one step closer to being perfect! Some one that I could reach out to and help on there journey too! I'm a great listener and never judge. :] Feel free to email me if you're interested! Every little bit helps.

Failure is temporary, Giving up makes it permanent

SHAT! I was doing so great on my fast yesterday until I went to Doug's (my bf) after work. He surprised me by making me dinner. Sure it was very thoughtful but damn it ruined my fast. Then I promised to make him cookies and I had some of the cookie dough this morning! FUH! And what’s worse is that I then had a bowl of homemade mac and cheese. I am pretty upset with myself but that is all I’m eating for the day. Period end of story.

I had a fire put under my ass to get skinny today at work. It's kind of a long complicated story but I'll try to make it short and still make sense.

I've liked Doug since we started working together a while a few months ago. But at the time I was with someone and he was uninterested. Well then I was single and he and I started talking more, and we were close to dating but I started dating a different guy. and while dating this other guy Doug started talking to me more and more and telling me that I should leave the other guy for him and all this stuff. Well in the end the other guy didn’t work out, and now we're together.

BUT

While I was with that guy there is another gal that we work with that also liked Doug. Well she still likes him and it kind of bugs me a little. She’s tall and skinny, but fortunately for me she is a butterface. but while I was with the other guy Doug trying to make me feel guilty brought up that he could always sleep with her and me being prideful told him fine do it. And he did. It made me so insanely mad and jealous and just UGH!

But now he and I are together and happy but she still hangs around and asks to hook up with him, which I can't really blame her for he is pretty amazing in bed. But it still bothers me. And his ex was also a tall skinny gorgeous girl and I’m beginning to worry that he isn’t going to want to stick with a short fat ass like me.

Well,

the fire that was put under my ass besides the skinny bitch wanting my boyfriend’s junk is that while kind of venting about this situation with a coworker of mine (minus the worries about my fat ass) the coworker said well you know you’re not really his type, the other girl (he used her name) is much more like what he normally goes for.

That did it. I wanted to die. I still want to die. I never want to eat again. I want to be that skinny girl that he is proud to have on his arm and I want to prove everyone who thinks I’m not his type wrong. And I’m going to do it. Even if it kills me.

Take Charge Don't be Large

So today I've started a liquid fast, and so far so good. I'm a wopping 147.4 lbs this morning. FUH! Luckily I work today at noon and will be working till 9. No time to eat if I'm stocking shelves and hating my job right? after work I'm going over to my boyfriends house, hopefully he doesnt cook for me. He's a great cook but my fat ass doesn't need it! It feels wierd calling him my boyfriend, we're dating, taking things slow, so yeah whatever you would label him I suppose, boyfriend is just easier. Wish me luck I need it!

Here's some of my favorite thinspiration/motivation at the moment, enjoy!

Laugh at Your Problems. Everyone Else Does

Wow its been a while. So I'm 20 but I still live with my parents while I'm in college. Cheaper that way ya know? Well mom found my fucking Ana Journal! FUH! It didn't have much just the recent dates with my weight for each date. She said she was concernedat how fast I was losing wieght(not fast enough. just sayin). Whatever. I told her it was just because I stopped eating sugar and stuff and that I wasn't doing anything stupid and she baught it for now. Gotta be more careful. So this is my new Ana Journal. I was 170 at my heaviest then dropped to around 160ish and plateaued (sp???) then dropped to 150ish and the same happened. now i'm bouncing around in the 140's. So starting tomorrow I'm going to do a 3 day fliquid fast to get the pounds going, and ultimately plateau in the 130s but heay better than the 140's. Gawd I'm so fucking FAT! SHAT!

Well now lets take a look at me shall we?
Weight: 147.6   BMI: 26.2
Measurements
Bust: 39"
Ribs: 32"
waist: 31"
Hips: 38"
Thigh: 19"
Knee: 14"
Calf: 15"
Ankle: 9"
Wrist: 6"
 Yup. I'm a FAT COW! ugh. I'm gunna go die now. Night.
I'm always looking for a good ana buddy. It's a rough journey maybe we can make it easier for eachother.