Slow Start Sunday

Baby Food Diet Day 1-
Yesterday morning I weighed in at 143.6
This morning I weigh in at 142.4 that's a loss of 1.2 lbs!

Now, yesterday was the first day of the diet.
I started my day with my vitamins a glass of water and fruities peach, apple, & banana baby food for breakfast. (90 cals).
Then for lunch I was with my boyfriend so I had a bit of popcorn chicken thinking that would be my one solid food.
Unfortunately we had dinner at his parents house. so I had a small serving of bean and turkey soup. UGH! but clearly it wasn't too bad if I still lost a pound. I did get enough of water. the baby food wasn't bad. it tasted pretty ok, sorta like super smooth apple sauce.

Today Is day 2 and hopefully it  will be easier. I'm going to start keeping one of my little packets with me so I can play sick if I need and still get my baby food in. I'm going to be home all day today and so I can get my breakfast and lunch in no problem hopefully, then since it's new years eve I'm spending the night with my boyfriend, and wine is on the menu I don't know about any food though.

Alright so there you have it!
Stay strong ladies!
XOXOXO

NEW YEAR NEW BLOG!!!

Okay!
So the new year is coming, and I'm hoping to get down to my UGW this year.
but with so many diets out there, and so many ways for a girl to try to lose weight how on earth are we supposed to chose???
I've decided to take on different diets, do them and tell you all about them on here.
I decided to start a little bit crazy.
WITH.....
.....drum roll.....

the BABY FOOD diet!!!!

HOORAY!!!!
I've researched it, and the basic idea is that baby food is low cal, portion controlled, high in nutrients, and not solid so should slide right through. and the rules are simple.
1) eat baby food for 2 meals a day, ideally breakfast and dinner.
2) have a normal meal for dinner, so as to get some solid food in 'ya if you can try and only eat half portions.
This is meant to be more of a cleanse so it's recommended for about a week. Jennifer Anistan, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Lady Gaga have all been linked to it.

I will be doing this diet for a week. in the morning I will drink a glass of water have my baby food, then follow it with another glass of water. the same for lunch and then a small dinner. if I have to because of family or boyfriend complications I will adjust my "solid meal" as I see fit.
I'm going to try to stick to this, and check in nightly. tomorrow morning I'll post my starting weight. Tomorrow will be baby food day one! wish me luck!

Now since I'll be doing this for 7 days eating baby food twice a day I'll need 14 things of baby food, I found these cute little pouches at work, they look like a kind of applesauce my mom sometimes buys me so I thought they'd be good. I only went for fruit flavors, because I just couldn't bring myself to buy peas, or god forbid a chicken dinner. GROSS!!!
I got 9 pouches with flavors I thought I'd like then I'll get some more after I know I like them and if I stick to it like I hope I will.

I got 2 brands, Gerber, and Beech Nut (an all natural brand).
In the Gerber I got 3 Gerbers Graduates Grabbers
-Apple, Mango & Strawberry (60 cals)
-Banana Blueberry (100 cals)
-Fruit and Yogurt Strawberry Banana (100 cals)
and then 1 Gerber Organic
-Banana Mango (90cals)
In the Beech Nut I got 5 Fruities On-The-Go
-Banana, Apple, & Strawberry (90 cals)
-Apple, Peach & Strawberry (80 cals)
-Peach, Apple & Banana (90 cals)
-Apple, Mango & Carrot (70 cals)
-Peach, Mango & Squash (70 cals)
I had  picture of all of them on my bed but I lost it :(

All in all It should be fun. Hopefully you'll all like my blog give me feed back!
Stay strong my dearies!
XOXOXO

Ho Hum

Sorry I've been gone for a few days.
Things have been busy!
I am so not looking forward to the holidays!
I have to attend not one, not two, not three, but FOUR dinners.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!
All of them with my boyfriend.
It's going to be difficult.
I'm going to zumba here in a bit! I can't wait!
I'm fasting today, and hopefully tommorrow.
I've started taking gummy vitamins,
they're great you can take them without eating and you don't get sick.
I was taking normal vitamins before but when I took them on an empty stomache they made me wasnt to puke, and they don't get into your system right if they don't have anything to bond with.
SO, gummies are the ones for me!
I'm also taking some for hair and nails.
My hair has always been slow at growing, and I'm trying to grow it out, so these should help.
YUP.
 Boring post I know.
I'm sorry.
I did want to ask if anyone had ever used laxatives, and what it was like.
I'm just curious.
PLEASE comment and tell me about it.
Stay stong my loves!
XOXOXO

If I let You In, Will You Run Away?

SO, I told Chris today about my self hatred...
Not about my relationship with ana,
but I did tell him about how I hate how I look.
I told him about how I haven't felt confident, and how that's why I haven't been aggressive.
He started to blame himself, and I told him that it's not his fault.
I've always felt this way.
He seemed surprised, and almost hurt.
He doesn't understand how I can't see myself the way he sees me,
but I can't.

Why can't I?
Why am I so broken???

I apologized for being so fucked up.
I've told him all along that I'm fucked up.
He never seems to believe me.
He says that he hates it when I say that I'm fucked up.
But It's how I feel.
Maybe once I'm thin I can feel the way he thinks I should.

Yesterday it snowed, I grabbed my pea coat from last winter.
Chris and I walked across the road to the store and I put it on.
He asked why I was wearing such a large coat.
I told him that it fit me last winter,, it's now too big,
I've lost about 25ish pounds.
He was amazed. I told him when we first started dating that if he had met me earlier on in the year he wouldn't have wanted me.
And how I had lost a lot of weight.
He didn't believe me. then when he saw the coat, and pinched all the extra fabric he was amazed.
I hate that he knows how big I used to be.
I just know he was picturing me as a fat ass.
His ex was fat, but I feel like she was the size I was before I lost all that weight.
I feel disgusting.
I want to be thin. I want his friends to look at me and say
:wow, she's the hottest girl you've ever been with"
I know they don't think that now.

I will be enough.
Pretty enough
Smart enough
THIN enough...

Stay strong my lovelies!
Think of me!
XOXOXO

Scale, Stress, and No Sex

So I made it on my three day fast! YES!
I did eat a little Friday and Saturday.
I've now gone 17 hours so far without eating.
I'm hoping I can turn today into a fasting day even though I wasn't planning on it.
I am going to do another three day fast this week, Monday Tuesday and Wednesday.
Thursday I have a date planned with my boyfriend which means food, but I'll "feel ill" so not much.

I have no clue what I weigh right now and it's stressing me out!
My scale hasn't been working properly.
I'll weigh myself 4 times in a row and each time I get a different reading.
AAAAAHHH!!!
What am I going to do?
I asked mom if we can get a new one, and she didn't seem keen on the idea.
Today we went and saw some friends and they all kept commenting on how "thin" I've gotten.
I think that made her worry.
But honestly I'm not thin. I've gone from a hippo, to a baby hippo perhaps.
But I am certainly not thin!

It's so frustrating.
One lady asked how much I've lost. I said "oh, some".
And she told me I don't need to loose any more.
I shrugged and said "we'll see"
She laughed thinking I was kidding.
They don't understand.
I NEED to lose the weight. then maybe I'll be happy and comfortable in my own skin.
I'm certainly not right now.

Chris and I have been having little problems. nothing major, but problems for sure.
We haven't had sex for about a week now, and he asked if it was his fault.
I have tried. And it's not his fault. I'm not good on picking up on his ridiculously subtle hints.
Apparently when he said "I'm going to change" after he got home from work that was my cue to follow him into to bedroom and jump him.
How was I supposed to know???
I told him it's not him, and it isn't.
Honestly I haven't felt particularly attractive lately.
And he's been in a piss poor mood.
And now he's playing the poor him card.
Acting like I don't wand him.
He wants me to be so much more aggressive then I am.
I worry that I'm not enough for him.
I'm terrified that he's going to get bored of me.
And now that I'm moving in with him everything is getting so much more real.
There's no turning back.
If we break up now it's going to be a nightmare trying to move out.
I just don't know.
I want to be so perfect for him.
I can't be that aggressive person in the bedroom if I don't feel confident and sexy.
I want to. But I just don't feel it.
Hopefully I can get out of my head and get over these winter blues and just be what he wants.
I was an actress in high school.
I'm going to play the part of confident girlfriend until I can truly be it.
Let's hope I'm as convincing as I think I can be.

Stay strong my loves! Think of me.
XOXOXO

The Sweet Taste Of Success

I have officially made it 60 hours without food!
 AND this morning I weighed in at 140!
Hell Yeah!
7 more pounds and I'll be at my lowest weight! I'm so excited!
This fast is going amazing! I haven't had any cravings yesterday, or today.
In fact I'm not even a little bit hungry.
Hopefully I can make it till 11 tonight without Chris trying to feed me.
He got really strange yesterday, I think he knows I haven't eaten the last couple days.
I tried to tell him I did but he seemed skeptical.
I didn't think he noticed I didn't munch on his fries yesterday like I usually do, but maybe he did notice. Hmmm...
Oh well. I really don't care, as long as I keep losing. I'm so close to my lowest weight, I can't wait to break through that and keep going lower and lower.
I'm at 140, one of my mini goals which means I get a little reward, but I'm not going to allow myself to, unless I can maintain this weight, or keep dropping. I'm thinking for at lesat 3 or so days.
Well ladies,boring post, I know, but I'll hopefully have something better to say later, this was mostly just a little check in.
Stay strong ladies!
XOXOXO

Starvation is Fullfilling

I've officially gone over 48 hours without eating a thing. I went to zumba and did awesome! I worked my ass off and when I was done I was sweaty, gross and oh so happy! After zumba came a challenge, my boyfriend Chris and I were at walmart waiting for a call (I'll explain in a moment) and we went into McDonald's to have a little sit down, and he ordered a huge meal, normally I much on his fries, but I told him no, and that I felt a little sick. He seemed a little concerned but ultimately accepted it! YES! I weighed in at 142.6 today! YAY! I'm getting there, slowly but surely! I'm surprised how easy fasting has been. I almost don't want to eat ever again. I felt a little weak after zumba and thought that I might have reached my limit from all the working out, but when I went to get something to eat everything looked disgusting, so I settled for a cup of tea. I'm so glad I'm getting my control back! THANK ANA! lol

K happy story time now!
Chris got his apartment today! YAY!!!
It's so cute! And he wants me to move in with him, which I will eventually. I spent today with him waiting to find out if he got approved, and once he did we got the money order (the reason we were at walmart) and went and got his keys! he even gave me one! I'm so excited! I helped him move most of his stuff in today, and I'm going to help with the rest, and some of mine tomorrow! I'm so excited like you don't even know! I love him so much! sorry that was gushy.

Any who, I'm dead tired. Night lovelies!
Stay Strong!
XOXOXO

"Anti-Thinspo" My ASS

Okay, so I was looking at thinspo for inspiration, and to find some more to add to my thinspiration page, I found a bunch on pintrest so I went and looked, they normally have plenty, and it's usually great and has a wide variety. Well today I found A TON of "anti-thinspo" shit! I can't believe it! Pictures of fat asses with slogans like "this is beaautiful too". No it's not, it's disgusting, and unhealthy. It just proves that "big" is the new standard. People are just expected to be large. this is disgusting! what are we teaching our children? with images of fat women dancing around in their underwear like its attractive?

This isn't attractine. It's DISGUSTING! -------------->
Why the hell would people promote this? One of the weak ass attempts to promote "anti-thinspiration" was a picture of a large woman laughing saying that we should love ourselves for who we are, and should trade our thinspiration for "GRINspiration". Um...NO! hell no.

<----DISGUSTING!
I refuse to let this become a thing. I was taught to "love myself" and grew up in a home where food was thrust at you, i was taught to empty my plate, not fill my stomache. and look where i am today, a fat ass fighting to fix the damage of what was taught to me as a kid. we need to teach kids that fat is not good.

SREW ANTI-THINSPO!!!
I'll do what I want! and frankly what good does an anti-thinspo movement do? If I want it I'll do it. And all of thier pictures of "beautiful/curvy" women? they don't make me want to eat, they make me want to go for a 10 mile run, and make a permanent ban on cookies from my stomache. Seeing those picture doesn't make me "appreciate" myself. it scares me. because I don't want to look like that. EVER!

This whole movement doesn't make any sence, only two types of people would agree with this.
1) Naturally skinny girls who don't know what it's like to feel inferior and hate ourselves.
2) Fat bitches who are too lazy and don't have enough control to fix thier bodies. So instead they chastize us for trying and taking control of out bodies!
UUUGHHH!!!!

Sorry for the rant. I just still can't believe what I saw! Has anyone else seen this? am I just sheltered?
Stay strong Loves! we'll make them eat their words just like they eat everything else, while we continue to shrink and disappear!
XOXOXO

Busy As A B

So today is the first day of my fast, and so far so good! I saw Chris this morning and we got coffee I took maybe three sips of the plain black coffee so yay! I'm going to go to the gym when I finish this post, I'm waiting on a call from my mom so I thought I'd kill some time and talk to all of my lovelies <3

Today feels good, I woke up and made myself a nice big list of things to do today, because if I'm busy and distracted I'm not eating! I've got plenty to do, I've got my water bottle by my side to keep me drinking all day, and I've got gum just in case of emergency. And I always have my thinspiration! I put some up on my thinspiration page yesterday and I'm going to put more up soon. A lot of it is sayings and what not, that's what really works for me As well as tiny things because that's what I want more than anything in the world! I hope you like I'm sorry if it doesn't work for you, I'll try and add some variety though

I'm spending the day mostly alone today I do have
dog though, and the best part is she always runs to the kitchen whenever someone goes in there, like my little reminder my "fridge guard dog" he looks tell me not to eat, but to give her a treat instead! Now every time i even step foot in the kitchen she is what reminds me not to even open the fridge. Hooray for silly, yet effective reminders. She's also a good work out tool, she loves being chased around the house, rather that bringing a toy back when you throw it for her you have to chase her, corner her and then get it back. who knew she'd make such an awesome buddy?

So, I'm back to 144 :(  I'm so super pissed! I still feel fat and disgusting! Hopefully I can get this fast to last three days and get my weight down! I just want to feel empty! I want to feel pure, and light! I can do it I know I can! I just have to stay occupied and busy! I made an Ana journal a few days ago and I've been adding to it, journaling my thoughts when I can't make it to the computer to blog them, it's actually pretty helpful I'll post some pictures of it soon I really like how it looks :) My smart phone died on me and now I have this crummy little flip phone until I can afford a new phone, so I need to find my camera to post pictures. This flip phone takes tiny pictures! It's ridiculous! oh well its better than nothing I suppose. I'll have to just deal. Maybe I'll make one of my goals a new phone, so not only do I have to save the money for it but I also have to get to a certain weight. Yes, I think that will work. that's what I'm going to do.

Sorry for such a random and boring post. I'm feeling a little mentally foggy. hopefully the pictures make up for it. Stay strong lovelies! We can do this!
XOXO

Giving In To Food Shows Weakness...

I've been weak. I've binged. Not on the ate the whole house sence of binge, not even in the ate more than the "recomended" 1200 calories a day sort of binge, Just in a I've been eating sort of way. I try to fast, I stop eating Around 6 every day, then The next day around 1 or 2 I eat, sometimes I stop there other times I have dinner with my family or my boyfriend too. So I'm fasting for 15ish hours. it's not good enough. I want to feel hungry. I want to be perfectly empty. Why can't I do it? I havent gained so I guesse i can't bitch and moan too much, I"m just frustrated, I used to have this iron will where I could fast for days without a problem, I could not eat for days and not feel weak or give in.

That person is still somewhere inside of me, I have to find her and bring her out, I love my boyfriend but this would be easier if I didn't have him. Time to deploy my excuses. I ate at home, or at work, or I don't feel well, and with my parents I ate with chris, or at work. I can do this. I can over come the fat. I will not let food control me. Food should only be used sparingly when you absolutely need it.

I CAN DO THIS! WE CAN DO THIS! any one got any good tips for me?
Stay stron loves!
XOXOXO

Maintaining Is Better Than Gaining

So this morning I'm still at the same weight as yesterday. I didn't eat most of the day untill dinner when mom made a veggie pizza and force fed me. ugh! But maintaining is better than gaining I suppose.

Today I worked from 6 in the morning till 3, I had a sugar free redbull on my first break then Chris brought me a sandwich and an orange for lunch, and now I'm having a cup of tea. I'm going to try and skip dinner. Hopefully I'll be down some tommorrow.

I was doing pretty good but being around people all the time is deffinately making things harder. I need some good fasting days. Tommorrow I work 5 am till 2 so maybe I can get a fast in tommorrow. I'd like to fast for three days in a row, but that is a hard task, not because I lack the will power, but because I'm around people A LOT lately, and Chris always wants to eat.

Hmmm I think I will have a belly ache this week maybe that will get him to not feed me. I hate that damned concerned look he gets. He knows I don't eat much and so he seizes every chance he gets to feed me. DAMN!

Side note!
I work with this girl named Noelle who just moved here from Washington, and she's really nice! I loke her alot! she doesn't have many friends cuz she just moved here, so I"m trying to reach out to her. I don't have many close friends so maybe she'll become one. I love making new friends :)

Well that's all for now dears, sorry for such a boring post.
I think I'll put up some thinspo later
Stay strong Lovelies!
XOXOXO

I'm Not There Yet, But I'm Closer Than I Was Yesterday

So this morning the scale read 142.8.
Yesterday it was 144 even.
That means I am down 1.2 lbs.
YES
I'm so happy to be getting some control back!
AND in a couple hours I'm going to do Zumba!
I love Zumba! If you've never tried it you should! It's so fun, the hour flies by, you get all hot and sweaty, but it doesn't feel like a work out, not untill the next day when you're like
"Wow, I'm sore in surprising places!"
And so far every class I've gone to has made me sore in different places.
Sometimes it's my thighs, last time my arms and calfs (SP???), sometimes it's my abs!
Thighsand abs are my favorite sore places! those are the ones I want to lose.
SO what have we learned?
Not eatingalone works wonders, I never realized how much time I have all to myself, where I normally munch, crazy! AND now that I only eat with others (within reason) people won't have a clue!
They'll think "wow Sam must be getting healthy, She always nibbles around us so she couldn't possibly be starving."
Hooray for an upbeat post for a change! I just did a SHAT TON of sit-ups so I might be on a bit of an endorphine high. WORKING OUT ROCKS!
Stay Strong My lovelies!
XOXOXO

My Eyes Are Rung Out And Dry As A Bone

I'm a crier.
It's sad really.
Good book, Sad song, twinge of pain.
And I"m in near hysterics.
I findmyself in tears more often then not recently now.
My boyfriend and I got in a big fight a couple nights ago and I cried and cried.
We made up, and are fine. In fact I've never been happier.
I think that's where my problem starts.
I'm so terrified of losing him.
last night in bed laying beside him I felt the tears start to fall,
luckily he was asleep,
but those nasty thoughts of him being as disgusted with me as I am crept into my mind.
I know that he loves me.
I just want to be enough for him.
Pretty enough, smart enough, good enough,
Thin enough.
This morning I weighed in at 144.
That's .8 down.
Again better than nothing.
I know that I can keep it up.
I can do this!
I feel like if I can lose the weight it will guarentee that he won't leave me.
I realize how fucked up that sounds,
but it's what I have stuck in my mind.
Stay strong lovelies! We all have our own demons to fight, but I know we can do it!
Love you all!
XOXOXO

Something Is Better Than Nothing

Today I FINALLY broke under 145.
I'm only at 144.8, Not much below but its still under 145. better than nothing I suppose.
I used to have a rule where I wouldn't eat before 7 am, or after 7 pm. Now I also have a personal rule where I WILL NOT eat alone. Period end of story.
The only time I will eat is if I'm with someone AND I absolutely have to.
Which worked yesterday.
 And so far so good today.
So yes.
 Let's hope I can keep this up and my gawddamned weight down.
Sorry for such a boring post.
Stay strong lovelies think of me! XOXO

Disgusting.

I feel fat.
I'm lying here in bed feeling fat.
I can feel the fat hanging off of my body.
I'm stuck at 145. DISGUSTING
I hate myself.
I Feel so lost. How can I fix this?
I'm not good enough.
My boyfriend is too good for me.
He's so skinny. He bragged to me about gaining 6lbs the other day.
That puts him at 126lbs. tops.
I feel so disgusting around him.
I don't know what he sees in me.
His ex was huge. much larger than me, I know, But I still feel wrong next to him.
I feel like everyone judges when they see us.
They think to themselves "look at that fat chic with the skinny fellow"
They wonder how awkward sex must be for him.
They think about how disgusting it must be for him.
The wonder if I squish him.
They wonder if maybe we don't do it at all because he might be crushed.
I feel enormous next to him.
There's a really pretty, and thin girl at his work that wants him so badly.
I know he must want her.
I would want her if I were him.
I'm so broken.
Too broken for him.
I want to be thin.
I want people to see us and think what a cute couple we are.
At work today on the bathroom mirror someone left a sticky note.
It said "size and shape DON'T determin your beauty"
It made me angry looking at my disgusting self next to that note.
I was alone.
So I ripped it off and crumpled it up.
The nerve of some people.
I'm sure it was some beautiful skinny girl who did it.
Of course size and shape wouldn't matter to someone who is beautiful.
I am not beautiful.
or thin.
So size and shape matter very much to me.
I'm disgusting.
DISGUSTING.

Mother Nature is a Green Eyed Slut.

So the last few days I've been eating as little as possible, like seriously nothing. A handful of chips one day to distract my friend, three bites of an apple as I left to apease my mom the next day and yet I'm staying the same. And I'm thinking to myslef WHAT THE FUH??? then today I got my period. AH I see, I'm not staying the same, I'm just fighting the massive bloat that comes along with mother natures little gift. Ugh! I wish I were fixed. oh well. I'm going to go to zumba tommorrow morning and I'll do a water fast starting tommorrow, maybe after my period is over and the bloat goes away I'll drop a bunch? Probably not but It's worth a shot. I'm so tired of being stuck at this weight. I need to try harder, and to work harder. clearly I'm just not doing enough, But i will be thin. I have to be thin! I want to be 130 by christmas. is that so much to ask? I think not. alright keep my in your thoughts my lovelies! Stay Strong! XOXOXO

Time Flies, If Only Fat Did Too...

Holy COW! Don't ask me where the last two weeks went, because I simply don't know. It's crazy to me how quickly they flew by! It feels like lots has happened, and yet so little actually has. Let's see if I can recap-
1) The test run of living with Chris went great! I adore him, I really truly do! I'm still hesitant about him paying all the bills but he insists because he says he'd pay them whether I lived there or not. We did come to a mini compromise and he's going to let me pay for internet because he wasn't planning on having it anyway, so I get to help with a mini bill and he gets to be all macho and take care of me yay! And, while it's tough to find time to blog with him around I think I'll manage. so yes YAY indeed.
2) Diet? FAAAAIL!!! I don't know what is wrong with me. Ever since this summer I haven't been able to stick to diets. I just don't understand. Luckily I've been staying in one spot, which is better than gaining I suppose.
3) Thanksgiving. I got to meet his family on Thansgiving and it was great! iI've already met his parents and siblings but now I've met the rest and it was super fun! Yay! But the day after I had to celibrate with my family which was hell. It's always the same around here. My sister pulls tons of shit and I get scolded. I'm so sick of it! funny how I always seem to end up hiding in a bathroon crying my eyes out over something my mom has said at the holidays. UGH! oh well I'm over that.
My time spent living with Chris [retty much distracted me from everything! it was wonderful! the last three days though i was sicker than I have been in a while, and he sayed by me and took care of me, he's so great! There is an upside to being sick though, I don't feel the urge to eat, like AT ALL. its great! and not that I'm back home not eating will be super easy! So I'm going to do some fasting till I get my appetite back, then I'm going to diet that appitite into oblivion, and then I won't have one and life will be good ;)
 I thnk I'm going to make a diets page on my blog to put all those diets i found plus a few others I've gathered. thoughts?
Well good night my lovelies!
I miss you!
Stay Strong For me!
 XOXOXOXO

Caroline Kettlewell Diet

The Caroline Kettlewell Diet:

Breakfast: Fat Free Yogurt (100 calories or less)
Lunch: 1 orange or Apple (80 calories)
Dinner: 3-10 bites of whatever your parents make you for dinner or anything 100 calories

Mkay so I'm starting this diet today and I'm pretty stoked cuz its all stuff we have in our house, and mom will not notice a thing. YAY!!!
 I have been doing zumba for an hour 3 times a week which is a plus :)

These next couple weeks are either going to be really easy or really difficult...
for several reasons-
1) I'm house sitting from the 14th till the 26th and Chris is going to be staying with me, it's going to be a practice run of living together, for which he will probably run screaming...
2) He is so excited for this test run, and wants to go grocery shopping and stuff, I'm hoping that since both of us are low on cash at the moment that won't happen, and that since we both work a ton we won't have much time for food
3) THANKSGIVING! ugh the holiday of food, and Ana Babies worst nightmare! :((( of course my family will be in town... guesse who's going to play sick? This girl!
4) My cell phone broke the other day, making it even harder for me to post! GRRR and i have to wait till the day after thanksgiving sale to get a new one :(

all in all its going to be difficult, the house I'm sitting is in boise 30 minutes away from my job and my house a crappy commute that is going to make life rough, especially since mom is going to expect me home often, but i really can't be because i have to take care of their dogs. ugh! wish me luck lovelies and the sitting and the diet. Hopefully the diet will be easy, it will be the only structure in this hectic time of year

Go For the Goals!

What a week I've been super busy, and constantly surrounded by people. Particularly my nosy and overbearing mother, who feels the need to make sure I've been eating, ugh. I hate eating. I hate the feeling of food in me. UGH. Also my mom is in college, and her computer was getting fixed, so I wiped my history and let her use mine, thank goodness she doesnt know how to see my blog, or my collection of thinspiration. that would be the last thing I need. dodged that bullet tho.

So, I've been seeing this guy Chris for a while, and I really love him.and he loves me, but I don't love me, and its making it really hard for me. I just don't understand why he would possibly want me. and why he loves me... I don't even want me... He wants me to move in with him, but I'm really not in a good financial place and he knows it, but he wants me to move in anyway and he wants to pay the bills. I just don't know if I'm okay with letting him take care of me, and me just living there...
Hmmm....

Mkay, minirant aside time for some real talk.
It's November, and I'd like to be down to 120lbs by spring, March 20, which is roughly 4 months away. thats 25ish lbs in 4 months. obviously I'd like to do this all sooner of course but this is the goal. I would then like to be down to 100lbs by the begining of summer, which is June 21st, so that would be 20lbs in 3 months. I can do this!

So far this month hasn't been so good as far as eating goes. most'y because I've been eating ugh. i have been working out a ton though! I've been doing zumba classes which I love :) I also found on a friends blog several GREAT diets that I will be working my way through ;} I'll be starting with the Caroline Kettlewell first :)

Sorry for this being such a random post I'll get better I promise
I'll put the link to her blog in the comments
Stay strong lovelies! XOXO

I'm Not Dead Yet...

I'm sorry I was MIA from July till not, but I'm back. and some things have happened so let's fill you in shall we?
1) I'm 21! wooo as of September 25th! yay
2) I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, and we are working on moving in together
3) Home life is still shatty.
4) I've missed you all terrible much! and feel stronger just logging back in here!
5) I refound the blogger app and it works better now so I'll be able to blog on the go, and can stay discreet
* Now for some bad-ish news
6) since that week of house sitting in July my diet habits have been dreadful.
7) I have ate like shat. worst part is, I ATE =(
8) I did maintain my weight though by some miracle. So its not losing but it's better than gaining.

Mkay, so moral of the story is, I'm back and ready to get back on track and going again! Goodness this feels so good! I can't believe I've gone so long without this! I really needed this! not even gunna lie! I'm gunna try and post some pictures on the Thinspo page in the next couple of day! And of Course I'll keep you all posted on my journey!
p.s. I'm always looking for a good buddy email or texting ;)
Stay Strong Lovelies! I'm so glad to be back!!!!
XOXOXO

So Close and Yet...

I did great on my fast yesterday! UNTILL I got home and was attacked by my mother. UGH! She yelled and went to bed and I ate. FUH! not a ton mind you, but I ate right before bed. poor choice. I need to find a roommate and move out, unfortunately I'm in debt because of school and shat, thats what the argument was about, me not being responsible with my money. well just FUH! So to earn some quick-ish cash I'm going to sell back my old text books. She told me I should get another job, which is difficult cuz I am already working part time all but 2 nights a week, unfortunately I'm making minimum wage for Idaho which is $7.30, so next to nothing, and I'm only getting 4 hour shifts. So basicly I don't make shit. UGH! Well this morning she started on me agian and said something that seriously triggered me. I work at Fred Meyers which is like a grocery store but we also sell clothes shoes houswares we have a garden center we have it all, I work in the grocery department, well naturally when I do any shopping it's usually from there cuz I get a discount on some stuff, well mom has been reading my mail like a bitch and my bank shat, which really pisses me off!!! But all she sees is that I baught shat from freds and she assumes that I'm buying food, well this morning she told me that she doesnt care if I have to starve myself to death, that I need to quit spending money. BOOM. I was amazed! She is right i shop a bit to much, especially since i do want to get out of this hell hole. I'm adult enough to admit I've screwed up and I have been working on paying my debts (damn college!) but for her to say that to me. I have lost over 30 lbs and trust me she has found it all, and she assumes I'm eating shit all the time? wow. More and more people have been saying things about the weight loss, but it's never good enough for my mother. Well FUCK HER! She wants me to starve I'm going to fucking starve!

Still Here and Needing Some Help

I'm sorry I've been MIA, last week was crazy for sure! I house sat for my my best friends brother all last week and I spent the week partying and making horrible decisions. just FUH! I ate so much! And got SO schwasted! I was with one of my really good friends most of the week and she's always been suspicious about me eating so I ate with her. She is also 5 foot tall and seriously a size 0. UGH!!! I feel like shat. They didn't have a scale at the house or Internet so I was like in a black hole. Not gunna lie I did have a lot of fun but I just feel like I lost a week of my life. on the bright side when I got home I miraculously weighted the same. I'm so happy to be back home where I can starve and weigh myself every day and read all of your blogs I missed you all like crazy! If anyone is in the states and would like to be texting buddies I have unlimited and would love the help!

Side note:
I turn 21 this September which means that I have to get a new license. right now I never let anyone look at my license cuz it says how fat I am.When I renew my license I'd love to be my UGW that means be 100 lbs by september 25th, thats 9 weeks away, 40 lbs in 9 weeks really isnt realistic I don't think. So i'd like to be 115, thats 25 lbs in 9 weeks I think I can manage that hopefully. keep thinking about me! any ideas or tips for me? I love hearing from all of you!

Dance Like Nobody is Watching; It burns More Calories

Mkay, so today is fasting Day2! I'm bound and determined to succeed. I have to keep myself moving and going and distracted. Luckily Mom left me a pretty massive chore list, which I don't really mind, I just crank up my music and dance while cleaning. Not well mind you, but it's fun and I'm alone, so I don't really give a damn. I also need to finish cleaning my car, and wash it. I also need to clean my room it's BAD! It's my own fault, I just took everything out of my car and dumped it into my room haha woops.

Today is going to be a good day, I can feel it. For me staying on a fast is all about staying busy and distracted, whether that means doing chores, or hanging with friends, or going shopping its all about not letting your body get the chance to remind your brain that it's hungry. when you're busy you don't have time to notice the hunger pains. Keep busy, keep on your feet, and keep moving! Make a fake to do list if you have to, make it way bigger than you could possibly ever finish in one day that way you feel rushed, and move faster. Throw some gross things on your list, like cleaning a toilet, or the cat box; that way if you do start to feel hungry or like you might binge you can tell yourself "after this next chore" and then you won't want to. I love gum, I chew it all the time it keeps my mouth busy, when I think I'm going to eat I put a new piece of gum in my mouth. I won't want to spit it out if it's new and by the time it loses flavor I will have gotten myself into check. Instead of telling my body I'm starving it I let myself think I feed it, black coffee for breakfast, diet coke for lunch, and green tea for dinner, ad water in between throughout the day. I know that sounds silly, but it really works for me. Talking on the phone is another big distractor, if I'm on the phone I won't eat, it's so rude to be like chewing in someone's ear, not to mention gross! Also, this is probably just me, but when I'm home alone and cleaning I spen most of the time in a tank and sleep shorts or just a tank and my undies. this is a great reminder of why I certainly don't need to eat! all I have to do is look down and any bit of appetite I had, BAM, gone. Yup. I hope these lil tips help
Stay Busy Stay Strong! XOXOXO

Regaining Control

curlyish hair Thoughts?

Today was a good day. I feel very accomplished. I fasted all day! I cleaned out my car, I do still need to vacuum and wash it, but it gives me something to do tommorrow. I kept myself busy and distracted, I went to the mall and met up with a cute boy :D and then had a girl date with my friend. all in all a good day! Magic Mike was pretty good. Gotta love male strippers!

Oh! Also I made it down under 140 and have kept it there even with all this fluxuation, so today i rewarded myslef, only i got a great lil spiral curler instead of a waver. My hair doesnt hold curls well, and my friend has a spiral curling iron and its the only thing that works! I love it so I got my own. so here's how that turned out thoughts? ------->

Sorry this is a random post Stay Strong lovies! XOXOXOXO

Continentia.

No that's not a typo. It's Latin for control, but not like brute force rape-ish control, but control of mind. That's what I need, control over my mind. Mind over matter and all that. I wrote this on my wrist I really like it, maybe even tattoo worthy.

Any who today is the day. the day I stop failing and succeed. I'm going to fast like no body's business, and tomorrow as well. I'm going to take control over this. I'm going to keep myself busy and distracted.

How you say? Well I'm going to clean my car! I realize that doesn't sound so bad, except I could seriously live in that thing for weeks,with no problem. It's got clothes, and shoes, and just everything! It's mildly ridiculous, but today I'm going to clean it out, and vacuum it and shine her up all pretty.

Then I'm going to go see that new movie Magic Mike, with a coworker who I think I might end up really good friends with fingers crossed. She's really nice, and kinda heavy so I'll look great next to her. (I'm shallow I know) But sometimes its nice to feel a lil better about yourself. My other friend is seriously 5' and weighs 98 lbs, and eats like a horse, every one always falls in love with her, It's awful. So it's nice to be the "skinny" friend. Even if I'm not skinny.

I'm also gunna take my dog Maggie for a walk, Its hot as FUH here so that will probably have to wait for the evening tho. All in all though today is going to be all about keeping myself busy and distracted and in control. Continentia. Stay Strong beauties, think of me and wish me luck! I'lol probably check back in later <3 XOXOXO

Open Mouth Insert Foot...

FUCK! I'm really irritated and pissed and just... FUUUUUCK!

I promised I'd fast yesterday, nope didn't happen. Today? nope didn't happen.

Both started well, they started fucking great, then fucking breaking points. Just FUCK! Fuck the world with a big stick, or the whole goddamn fucking tree. (kudos if you recognise that) Just FUH!
After family left I checked the scale. No I'm not telling. this morning I was a lil lower, but not enough. Just FUCK!

Then, the 4th of July I had an amazing time with three great guys two hott assholes and one hott nice guy. A hot nice guy that also kinda liked me. Could I let myself like him back OH NO! Cuz the other two were hotter so what does that mean? I was a fucking jerk to him, and now a fucking week later I'm thinking to myself GAWD you're a fucking idiot you should try and fix shit. but can I? NOPE! FUCK he's already hanging with another girl. cuz guys like him are hard to come by. FUCK! just FUCK! I always find a way to screw shit up. ALWAYS!

I always ruin things for myself. I got down to the lowest weight I've been then I gain weight. I meet a decent guy and I tell him to go jump in a lake. What the fuck is wrong with me? Maybe fat has some sort of evil power that makes me this crazy bitch? Maybe thats why everytime I get something good going for me I screw it up. just fuck it. fuk it all! I hate feeling so out of control. I want control. I want a perfect body!

I'm sorry for my lil tantrum...I promise I'll do better, and be better...
Think of me lovelies. Stay Strong. XOXOXO

You Never Strike Out Blindly; You Fail In the Light

Welp, so much for starting my fast today, my family isn't leaving until tomorrow morning. Which means that I spent the day being watched and force fed. I even told everyone I felt sick. I was allowed to sleep in which was nice, but I was still forced to eat the carb heavy dinner. UGH!!!

But this week is going to be better, I'm going to fast my butt off. I'll fast Monday and Tuesday. I'll probably eat a lil Wednesday, then fast again Thursday and Friday. I'm going to work my butt off at the gym and take my pup Maggie for daily walks. That way I can work on my tan and get some excersise in ontop of working out at the gym. I'm super pumped and determined!

It seems that I'm at another plateau. It happens all the time. I went from 170 till the low end of the 160's and got stuck there for a while, and that happened when i dropped to the 150's, the 140's and now the 130's. I'm stuck again, so I gotta get myself down to the 120's I don't think I would mind getting stuck in the 120's, it was my original UGW, now my UGW is in the 100's.  I just gotta keep jumping from plateau to plateau uintill I am so thin I waste away. I'm taking control. I feel strong and motivated and I can do it.
I'm going to go float the river with some friends this week, and I'm not talking about some girl friends, oh no I'm talking about my hot guy friends! These are some of the hottest guys I know! So I have to be looking pretty great! I'm gunna be skinny damn it!



The three of them from the fourth of July
(Devin, Cameran, Devan)

I hung out with these boys on the 4th of July, and I LOVED IT! Devin the freaking gorilla carried me around on his shoulders most of the day, it was great I love being carried. I've known Devan for a while, we used to work together. So he saw me way back when I was an even bigger whale, he kept commenting on how skinny I've gotten, which was nice but I know in my heart I am not skinny, not yet. Yeah they're all tools, but it was a blast! We watched the fireworks and went to this lil fair thing, we even hung out at the bar, only Cameran is over 21, I'm 20 and Devin and Devan are 19. The upside to living in Idaho, and going to a small town for the 4th celebrations is the bar is way to busy to ID everyone, and the gorgeous bartender gave me tons of free drinks! WHAT A NIGHT! Nothing like hanging out with some hotties. These are my new triggers, we've been hanging out alot, they're all great guys and I always have a ton of fun, minus having to listen to Devan talk about all the hot tiny girls. All three of these guys are so hot, I want to be the kind of girl that they would want. the kind of girl that they talk about, the kind of girl that you expect to see hanging out with guys like these. I can do it! Stay Stron Beauties! XOXO



The four of us on our way home from the 4th









It's Never Too Late To Be What You Might Have Been

UGH!!! So, my sister, my nieces and my grandparents are in town, and all of them are staying with my parents and I. Making it IMPOSSIBLE to not eat. We've gone out tonight, and its spagetti night tonight. I keep saying that I feel sick and they keep telling me I'm fine. I don't know what to do. Growing up spagetti was always my favorite thing (just look at my fucking thighs) if I could go back in time and bitch slap young me I would. Anyway, I'm really upset. And cant wait for them all to leave tommorrow so I can fast! Ugh I feel so fat! Sometimes I really wish I could purge, but I can't bring myself to stick my finger down my throat, and yesterday I tried to guzzle a ton of water till i felt like I was going to puke, which worked I felt awful but then nothing. SHAT! Help, does anyone have any tips? Please share! stay strong ladies think of me! XOXOXO

Cellphone Addict

Mkay, so I got the blogger app on my phone and I'm excited to use it hopefully it will be good, some of the reviews on it were less then awesome, but I'm relatively easy to please ;) This should make posting quick updates way easy though :)

Fun fact this morning I weighed in at a remarkable (for me) 133 pounds! The lowest I've been I'm so excited! I was worried. But more on that later when I have time to really write, I'm waiting for my friends to get out of work so I can drive him home and I'd rather not have him catch me. Stay Strong Beauties! Tell me what you think of the new mobile shat if its different or anything. XOXO

Fuck You Binge Monster- I'm Going To STARVE You Out!!!

SHAT! SHAT! SHAT!!! I feel a fucking binge coming on! Today I've done really well just some watermelon and a cup of watermellon for lunch, and a cup of watermelon for dinner. But right now I feel a serious hard core binge coming on. I want Food heavy greasy disgusting way too many calories food! I want to go to Panda Express and PIG out! And go to Dutch bros coffee and get the giant ass iced coffe with caramel and whipped cream! UGH! I want cheetos! Luckily I can't go anywhere right now cuz I'm watching my nieces, but we have cool ranch doritos and guacamole and they are screaming my name! We also have cookies and ramen! Chicken ramen is my weakness... SHATTT!!!! I'm writing this to try to calm myself down. And then I'm going to chug a glass of water, tap water from my bathroom, I can't risk going to the kitchen. After I drink as many glasses of water as it takes me to want to vomit, I'm going to look at as much thinspo as I can! I'm feeling weak! This morning i weighed in at 135.2, the lowest I have ever weighed. I don't want to throw it all away! I'm going to watch fireworks tommorrow night with not one, not two, but three hott guys! One of whom says he's into me and we've only really met once for a second and since then I have lost at least 15 pounds. So I want to be as fucking sexy as possible! I want to look amazing, I want them to be drooling! Also I'm going shopping with my friend Kelsey Thursday and she is litterally I'm not fucking kidding a size 0. So FUH! I want to be thin, I want control, and I feel like I'm losing it right now. I promised myself I would get a belly piercing when I weigh 130 and I'm only 5.2 pounds away I'm so close! And I want this so bad! Ok, I'm calming down and I'm starting to feel a little better, I still can't risk going downstairs or anywhere near the kitchen. I'm going to try and go to sleep I can't eat if I'm asleep now can I. Okay I'm fine, sorry about this. It feels good to know in my moment of weakness I can come here and let it all out. I will keep CONTROL I will be PERFECT! I am stronger than my cravings. Wish me luck, Stay Strong! XOXO

I Don't Stop when I'm Tired. I Stop When I'm Done.

Mkay so today was the last day of the fast, ans let me say this one has been strangely easy. I did not make it the full 72 hours, I ended it and had 1 cup of watermellon after 62 hours. Not because I needed to binge, but because I felt VERY weak. When it comes to fasting I think it is important and know your limit. And at that point it was my limit. I didnt go crazy, and didn't eat much, but I felt much better afterwards.

Over all this fast was easy, there was only one tough spot, Sunday night before work my dad thought it would be great to make me dinner. AH! Luckily I have a dog so I dropped all my meat down for her. I also had a dark cup and would pretend to take bites but actually put the bites into the cup, now this only works if you're not close to the other members of the family eating with you. Then after dinner you can dump it down the toilet, or outside whichever you can manage. I feel pretty great!
Tomorrow I'm going to eat, then go back to fasting I think. Wish me luck beauties! Stay Strong! XOXO

Perfecting my Emptiness

Mkay so in an hour I will have officially made it through 48 hours of fasting! WOOO! It's going great so far! I havent even felt that hungry! so things are going good!

So I figured now would be a good time to check in with some stats :)
Weight: 138.2   BMI: 24.5
Measurements
Bust: 37" (-2")
Ribs: 31" (-1")
Waist: 28" (-3")
Hips: 36" (-2")
Thigh: 20" (-1")
Knee: 14" (0)
Calf: 15" (0)
Ankle: 9" (0)
Wrist: 6" (0)
LAST TIME
Weight: 147.6 BMI: 26.2
Measurements
Bust: 39"
Ribs: 32"
Waist: 31"
Hips: 38"
Thigh: 19"
Knee: 14"
Calf: 15"
Ankle: 9"
Wrist: 6"

Check it out!

Just finally make the tips and quote page, it's got my favorites, and the ones that work best for me, sorry if there are any repeats, feel free to send me your faves to throw up there!

My fast you ask? It's been a lil over 36 hours and i'm feeling fine, I have to work toninght hopefull all goes alright. Have to say working a a grocery store doesn't help at all! I should be fine though I'm damned determined to do see this through! Think of me
XOXO Stay strong!

The Fasting and the Furious ^.^

In an hour I will have fasted for 24 hours. and its been SO easy! I'm almost worried at how easy it's been. But hey I'm not complaining. Day 1 down, and 2 days to go YUP! I'm gunna kick ass at this! YEAAAAHHH buddy!

Ok so side bar, tonight I went on this "almost date" thing. like it wasnt a date but it was me and this totally adorable guy, and we hung out and ended up kissing and banging.  I'm not a prude but I've always hated my body, sex was how i used to deal with this self hatred, I constantly saught out the aproval from guys, well I still have a little bit of that. And before we hooked up I was in my underwear wishing it was darker in the room and he asked me to spin and told me I had a great body. It took everythingI had not to laugh or tell him he is full of shit. Isn't it funny how the old things that should make me feel good about myself make me feel worse? hm... not really sure how i feel about all this. All I know is that I do not have a great body, and i wil not until I am down to my UGW or lower. Ugh, I'm sure he was just saying that. FUH! Well I feel like awful, so I'm going to go to sleep so I don't risk a binge.

I can always use buddies! message me!
Stay strong! Ana Love XOXO

Fast With Me!

Ok, so I went on a crazy binge yesterday! I'm too afraid to step on the scale and see what the damage is. So I am going to do a three day water fast. Period end of story. Tommorrow will be day 1, today was supposed to be but i had to go to Costco with mom and she was "concerned" that i didnt want samples. I told her they just looked gross and she knew something was up so I ended up eating in front of her to get her of my back. Damn I wish I could purge sometimes.

Anyway, tommorrow will be day 1, Sunday day 2 and Monday day 3. I only got a 4 hour shift tommorrow instead of my regular 9 which pisses me off a lil bit and will make it a little more difficult to fast, when I work I can't eat it keeps me very distaracted. I will have to find some other way to distract myself. Feel free to fast with me. If you need a buddy I'm always here, we could email or text I have unlimited messages and pretty much live on my phone so yeah. Stay Strong my beauties <3

Regrets are Mistakes you don't Learn from...

Okay, so checking in after what was one HELL of a weekend. full of ups, downs, adn a shit ton of confusion. Mostly coming from a couple guys. FUH! I threw a party Saturday and got pretty drunk, like blacked out drunk, BIG MISTAKE! One of the biggest i think I've ever made honestly. Do i regret it? A little. But I've learned from it, so no more of that shit for me! Social drinking occasionally but I never want to let myself get that far out of hand again.

On the upside I lost May have drank but i puked all of it up and when i got back home from house sitting i had dropped a couple pounds and am now sitting at 138! This is the lowest I've ever been! FUH YEAH!!! Just gotta keep it up!

Well my lovelies just thought I'd drop in for a quick update I'll fill you in on all the drama another time. Sweet Dreams, Stay Strong. XOXO

Honey, It Ain't the Jeans That Make Your Butt Look Fat...

Ok, so I thought I'd tell y'all a Little bit about how I found my friendship with Ana.

I've always had strange eating habits. Always trying the latest diets, and going days without eating without really noticing, but then I'd go crazy and binge eat for a while.

And through it all my best friend has always been able to eat like a garbage disposal, do little to no physical activity and still manages to stay skinny, Fucking Bitch. Every time I see her I feel fat and disgusting and hate myself for being that "fat friend".

She's been going to college out of state so I don't see her often, but we still talk all the time, and this fall she might move in and live with my family and me. I'm so excited, I have a sister but she's 11 years older than me and lives in another state so when Laynie moves in it will be like having a sister for real! And I've always wanted to share clothes and all that sisterly stuff, but I knew that wasn’t about to happen with me being at the time 170 and her at 133. So I set out to lose 50lbs, thinking that because she's a little taller than me I need to weigh less so that we can fit in the same clothes.

The last time she visited she forgot a pair of jeans, I told her and am going to give them to her next time she comes, but now they’re my little inspiration sitting in the back of my dresser drawer. And every once in a while I'll take them out and try them on. The first time I couldn’t even get them up. It was horrifying! Well now I can pull them up nearly all the way! My monstrous thighs suffocate but they're up AND I can button and zip them. Now they don't fit but I still feel proud of how far I've come. Looking in the mirror I still see myself as a fat ass, and I have a hard time believing what the scale says. I don't feel like I'm losing but it says that I am. but trying on these jeans, it's like proof that I am indeed shrinking, slowly, and I have a fucking long ass way to go till I get to my UGW, but I am indeed getting closer.

This is just part of the story. The Laynie chapter. I'll fill you in on the John chapter next probably. I already told you enough of the Doug chapter a few posts ago (the one with a fire under my fat ass). Then there's the me chapter, which includes my "loving" family. I'm gunna share some of my tips and tricks that I've found work best soon too. Probably in between my lame ass stories. Stay strong girls! We can do it!

Checking In :]

So this morning I'm weighing in at 141! H-Yeah! I'm still a fat ass but I was pretty worried, yesterday beforework I had a salad with ctoutons and ranch! FAT right? I added salsa and sliced jalepenos cuz those boost your metabolism, but still ranch and croutons for her royal fatty! But that was all I had ate all day which wasn't too bad. But then I got to work, and it's inventory week which means alot of shit to do and alot of heavy lifting. I worked my ass of and was sweating like crazy! Which, as gross as it seems, means I'm burning calories so I'm ok with looking gross at work, there wasn't any one there that I wanted to impress anyway. I worked a six and a half hour shift which i love cuz it keeps be busy and distracted, EXCEPT they make me take a half our lunch, which means I'm sitting on my ass in the breakroom for a half hour, where they ALWAYS have food, last night was muffins, and coffee. and what did FATTY do? She had half a fucking chocolate muffin and a carmel coffee thingy! Afterwards I wanted to DIE! ugh! So yeah the scale worried me this morning, but I guesse working as hard as I did payed off. Almost to my goal for this weekend. Wish me luck. Stay strong ladies!

P.S. I got the cutest friggin samdals formaking it to 145! (25 down just saying!)
theyre all sparkly and adorable and only $10! Amazing yes? thoughts?

The Only Place You'll Find Success Before Work is in the Dictionary.

Welp as of this morning I weigh 143! WOOO! Just gotta keep going, I'd like to be in the 130 range for 4th of July, so keep your fingers crossed for me. I had a really hard time starting to fast last week, but it's been much easier this week, I restricted myself alot last week, and now I hardly feel hungry at all. Peppermint gum has been my savior, as well as water, and Monster Absolute Zero! Whenever I think I'm about to binge I chew some gum and tell myself to hold out till after work, or till I get home, and everytime I get to that mark I tell myself the craving is over, or guzzle a glass of water. and I must say it's working!
I really wanna be down to 140 or lower by this weekend. I'm house sitting and a bunch of friends that I haven't seen since high school are coming over, and I'd really like to look at least decent. The last time they say me senior year I was probably in the 150 range. Yikes right? I went to an arts school surounded by size 0 dancers. Life wasn't so great. Then I went to college and you got it gained the freshman 15, and the sophomore 5, I dunno if that's a real thing but I ended up a fucking fat cow! so I'd like to be smaller than the last time they saw me ya know? Especially since a couple of these boys are really very hott!
People have started noticing that I've lost weight, one girl at work told me I was looking good and that it was obvious that I lost alot, then backpeddled saying that I didn't need to lose much cuz I was already cute, blah blah same shat trying to make me "feel pretty" it didn't work, even her telling me I looked good didn't work. In the back of my mind Ana was there whispering "yeah right you won't look good untill you lose another 20lbs" and frankly I'm going to listen to Ana over the 40 year old lady at me work. No one has caught on to or even suspects about my friendship with Ana. My boss asked if I'd been working out and when I said yes he said he could tell. My mom said she was glad to see that I was eating healthy. I couldnt help but laugh. I had no idea that less that 300 calories a day was healthy. I havent told anyone about all of this, besides my blog. Not even my best friend. I'm afraid that if I tell some one they'll look at me and ask why I'm still fat. So mums the word. The las thing I need is "caring"(medeling) friends and family trying to "help" me.
You have no idea how much writing this helps. But I could always use an Ana buddy. Some one I could talk to when I'm about to binge, some one who could remind me that every step I take away from food is one step closer to being perfect! Some one that I could reach out to and help on there journey too! I'm a great listener and never judge. :] Feel free to email me if you're interested! Every little bit helps.

Failure is temporary, Giving up makes it permanent

SHAT! I was doing so great on my fast yesterday until I went to Doug's (my bf) after work. He surprised me by making me dinner. Sure it was very thoughtful but damn it ruined my fast. Then I promised to make him cookies and I had some of the cookie dough this morning! FUH! And what’s worse is that I then had a bowl of homemade mac and cheese. I am pretty upset with myself but that is all I’m eating for the day. Period end of story.

I had a fire put under my ass to get skinny today at work. It's kind of a long complicated story but I'll try to make it short and still make sense.

I've liked Doug since we started working together a while a few months ago. But at the time I was with someone and he was uninterested. Well then I was single and he and I started talking more, and we were close to dating but I started dating a different guy. and while dating this other guy Doug started talking to me more and more and telling me that I should leave the other guy for him and all this stuff. Well in the end the other guy didn’t work out, and now we're together.

BUT

While I was with that guy there is another gal that we work with that also liked Doug. Well she still likes him and it kind of bugs me a little. She’s tall and skinny, but fortunately for me she is a butterface. but while I was with the other guy Doug trying to make me feel guilty brought up that he could always sleep with her and me being prideful told him fine do it. And he did. It made me so insanely mad and jealous and just UGH!

But now he and I are together and happy but she still hangs around and asks to hook up with him, which I can't really blame her for he is pretty amazing in bed. But it still bothers me. And his ex was also a tall skinny gorgeous girl and I’m beginning to worry that he isn’t going to want to stick with a short fat ass like me.

Well,

the fire that was put under my ass besides the skinny bitch wanting my boyfriend’s junk is that while kind of venting about this situation with a coworker of mine (minus the worries about my fat ass) the coworker said well you know you’re not really his type, the other girl (he used her name) is much more like what he normally goes for.

That did it. I wanted to die. I still want to die. I never want to eat again. I want to be that skinny girl that he is proud to have on his arm and I want to prove everyone who thinks I’m not his type wrong. And I’m going to do it. Even if it kills me.

Take Charge Don't be Large

So today I've started a liquid fast, and so far so good. I'm a wopping 147.4 lbs this morning. FUH! Luckily I work today at noon and will be working till 9. No time to eat if I'm stocking shelves and hating my job right? after work I'm going over to my boyfriends house, hopefully he doesnt cook for me. He's a great cook but my fat ass doesn't need it! It feels wierd calling him my boyfriend, we're dating, taking things slow, so yeah whatever you would label him I suppose, boyfriend is just easier. Wish me luck I need it!

Here's some of my favorite thinspiration/motivation at the moment, enjoy!

Laugh at Your Problems. Everyone Else Does

Wow its been a while. So I'm 20 but I still live with my parents while I'm in college. Cheaper that way ya know? Well mom found my fucking Ana Journal! FUH! It didn't have much just the recent dates with my weight for each date. She said she was concernedat how fast I was losing wieght(not fast enough. just sayin). Whatever. I told her it was just because I stopped eating sugar and stuff and that I wasn't doing anything stupid and she baught it for now. Gotta be more careful. So this is my new Ana Journal. I was 170 at my heaviest then dropped to around 160ish and plateaued (sp???) then dropped to 150ish and the same happened. now i'm bouncing around in the 140's. So starting tomorrow I'm going to do a 3 day fliquid fast to get the pounds going, and ultimately plateau in the 130s but heay better than the 140's. Gawd I'm so fucking FAT! SHAT!

Well now lets take a look at me shall we?
Weight: 147.6   BMI: 26.2
Measurements
Bust: 39"
Ribs: 32"
waist: 31"
Hips: 38"
Thigh: 19"
Knee: 14"
Calf: 15"
Ankle: 9"
Wrist: 6"
 Yup. I'm a FAT COW! ugh. I'm gunna go die now. Night.
I'm always looking for a good ana buddy. It's a rough journey maybe we can make it easier for eachother.

I never learned to grow up, only how to act in public.

So I thought I'd tell you a little about me. Hi ya, my name is Samantha, but call me Sam, NOT Sammi, it sounds like a dogs name I think. I'm 20 and I'm trying to figure life out. I'm taking control of mylife one step at a time. starting with my weight. I'm not sure if I'm pro ana or not but I think I am. I started at the weight of 170 and am weighing in at 158.6 today. I invite you in on my journey, and hope that you can help me, and that I can help you. together we can do anything. i think I'll be posting pictures of myself throughout this process and throw out some tips and thinspiration, which I was surprised at how helpful I found it to be. :]

You can't be late, untill you arrive.

Sooo... I'm new to this whole blogging thing but thought I could give it a try, so here we go. :]

Before we journy on this adventure into cyberspace together, let me give you some disclaimers-
1) I am AWFUL at spelling, and often times will not catch the mistake untill it is to late, if ever.
2) I can be kinda judgy, rude, presumptuous, and any number of other unsavory things.
3) I can also be overly sweet, spunky, perky, and all those other "annoyingly happy" things.
4) I am hard on myself.
5) I think I am about a million times funnier than I actually am.
6) I'm broken. I'm trying my hardest to fix me, but at the end of the day I am still very broken.
7) I just want to be happy.

I'm sure there's plenty more I could say, and maybe some of the things I said don't bother you and those things I didn't say will, but lifes a journy right, so there's no point in trying to scare you off before we even begin. Welcome to my blog, hope you enjoy, feel free to be totally open and honest with me, and i will do the same for you. my one wish is that my words will resonate with somebody, anybody.