Disgusting.

I feel fat.
I'm lying here in bed feeling fat.
I can feel the fat hanging off of my body.
I'm stuck at 145. DISGUSTING
I hate myself.
I Feel so lost. How can I fix this?
I'm not good enough.
My boyfriend is too good for me.
He's so skinny. He bragged to me about gaining 6lbs the other day.
That puts him at 126lbs. tops.
I feel so disgusting around him.
I don't know what he sees in me.
His ex was huge. much larger than me, I know, But I still feel wrong next to him.
I feel like everyone judges when they see us.
They think to themselves "look at that fat chic with the skinny fellow"
They wonder how awkward sex must be for him.
They think about how disgusting it must be for him.
The wonder if I squish him.
They wonder if maybe we don't do it at all because he might be crushed.
I feel enormous next to him.
There's a really pretty, and thin girl at his work that wants him so badly.
I know he must want her.
I would want her if I were him.
I'm so broken.
Too broken for him.
I want to be thin.
I want people to see us and think what a cute couple we are.
At work today on the bathroom mirror someone left a sticky note.
It said "size and shape DON'T determin your beauty"
It made me angry looking at my disgusting self next to that note.
I was alone.
So I ripped it off and crumpled it up.
The nerve of some people.
I'm sure it was some beautiful skinny girl who did it.
Of course size and shape wouldn't matter to someone who is beautiful.
I am not beautiful.
or thin.
So size and shape matter very much to me.
I'm disgusting.
DISGUSTING.