SO, I told Chris today about my self hatred...
Not about my relationship with ana,
but I did tell him about how I hate how I look.
I told him about how I haven't felt confident, and how that's why I haven't been aggressive.
He started to blame himself, and I told him that it's not his fault.
I've always felt this way.
He seemed surprised, and almost hurt.
He doesn't understand how I can't see myself the way he sees me,
but I can't.
Why can't I?
Why am I so broken???
I apologized for being so fucked up.
I've told him all along that I'm fucked up.
He never seems to believe me.
He says that he hates it when I say that I'm fucked up.
But It's how I feel.
Maybe once I'm thin I can feel the way he thinks I should.
Yesterday it snowed, I grabbed my pea coat from last winter.
Chris and I walked across the road to the store and I put it on.
He asked why I was wearing such a large coat.
I told him that it fit me last winter,, it's now too big,
I've lost about 25ish pounds.
He was amazed. I told him when we first started dating that if he had met me earlier on in the year he wouldn't have wanted me.
And how I had lost a lot of weight.
He didn't believe me. then when he saw the coat, and pinched all the extra fabric he was amazed.
I hate that he knows how big I used to be.
I just know he was picturing me as a fat ass.
His ex was fat, but I feel like she was the size I was before I lost all that weight.
I feel disgusting.
I want to be thin. I want his friends to look at me and say
:wow, she's the hottest girl you've ever been with"
I know they don't think that now.
I will be enough.
Pretty enough
Smart enough
THIN enough...
Stay strong my lovelies!
Think of me!
XOXOXO
Your boyfriend seems to be really understanding. For trying to understand and all.
ReplyDeleteI don't know whether to tell you that it's great you lost weight, or that it isn't. if it is what you want, then I guess good for you. (:
I definitely don't think you're "Broken" or fucked up. You seem really sweet, and honest, and kind. And full of energy. ^_^ Take care.
Hope you have a good day.
thank you love! that means alot to me!
Deletei needed that hug!
ReplyDeleteTry thinking about it this way; if you really can't be comfortable enough with how you look to be crazy in bed, then think about how hot he is. He probably feels incompetant or unattractive if you neglet his needs, and I know you don't want to make him feel like that. Focus on how he's such a sexy beast that you will not survive ONE MOAR MINUTE unless you pounce on him and rip his clothes off!! >.<
ReplyDeleteYou've done so well! It gets hard it gets hard and you get caught up in how much more you want to improve but take a moment to congratulate yourself for your success! You deserve it. I bet his friends already say that about you. You're beautiful and any guy would be lucky to have you. <3