So Close and Yet...

I did great on my fast yesterday! UNTILL I got home and was attacked by my mother. UGH! She yelled and went to bed and I ate. FUH! not a ton mind you, but I ate right before bed. poor choice. I need to find a roommate and move out, unfortunately I'm in debt because of school and shat, thats what the argument was about, me not being responsible with my money. well just FUH! So to earn some quick-ish cash I'm going to sell back my old text books. She told me I should get another job, which is difficult cuz I am already working part time all but 2 nights a week, unfortunately I'm making minimum wage for Idaho which is $7.30, so next to nothing, and I'm only getting 4 hour shifts. So basicly I don't make shit. UGH! Well this morning she started on me agian and said something that seriously triggered me. I work at Fred Meyers which is like a grocery store but we also sell clothes shoes houswares we have a garden center we have it all, I work in the grocery department, well naturally when I do any shopping it's usually from there cuz I get a discount on some stuff, well mom has been reading my mail like a bitch and my bank shat, which really pisses me off!!! But all she sees is that I baught shat from freds and she assumes that I'm buying food, well this morning she told me that she doesnt care if I have to starve myself to death, that I need to quit spending money. BOOM. I was amazed! She is right i shop a bit to much, especially since i do want to get out of this hell hole. I'm adult enough to admit I've screwed up and I have been working on paying my debts (damn college!) but for her to say that to me. I have lost over 30 lbs and trust me she has found it all, and she assumes I'm eating shit all the time? wow. More and more people have been saying things about the weight loss, but it's never good enough for my mother. Well FUCK HER! She wants me to starve I'm going to fucking starve!

Still Here and Needing Some Help

I'm sorry I've been MIA, last week was crazy for sure! I house sat for my my best friends brother all last week and I spent the week partying and making horrible decisions. just FUH! I ate so much! And got SO schwasted! I was with one of my really good friends most of the week and she's always been suspicious about me eating so I ate with her. She is also 5 foot tall and seriously a size 0. UGH!!! I feel like shat. They didn't have a scale at the house or Internet so I was like in a black hole. Not gunna lie I did have a lot of fun but I just feel like I lost a week of my life. on the bright side when I got home I miraculously weighted the same. I'm so happy to be back home where I can starve and weigh myself every day and read all of your blogs I missed you all like crazy! If anyone is in the states and would like to be texting buddies I have unlimited and would love the help!

Side note:
I turn 21 this September which means that I have to get a new license. right now I never let anyone look at my license cuz it says how fat I am.When I renew my license I'd love to be my UGW that means be 100 lbs by september 25th, thats 9 weeks away, 40 lbs in 9 weeks really isnt realistic I don't think. So i'd like to be 115, thats 25 lbs in 9 weeks I think I can manage that hopefully. keep thinking about me! any ideas or tips for me? I love hearing from all of you!

Dance Like Nobody is Watching; It burns More Calories

Mkay, so today is fasting Day2! I'm bound and determined to succeed. I have to keep myself moving and going and distracted. Luckily Mom left me a pretty massive chore list, which I don't really mind, I just crank up my music and dance while cleaning. Not well mind you, but it's fun and I'm alone, so I don't really give a damn. I also need to finish cleaning my car, and wash it. I also need to clean my room it's BAD! It's my own fault, I just took everything out of my car and dumped it into my room haha woops.

Today is going to be a good day, I can feel it. For me staying on a fast is all about staying busy and distracted, whether that means doing chores, or hanging with friends, or going shopping its all about not letting your body get the chance to remind your brain that it's hungry. when you're busy you don't have time to notice the hunger pains. Keep busy, keep on your feet, and keep moving! Make a fake to do list if you have to, make it way bigger than you could possibly ever finish in one day that way you feel rushed, and move faster. Throw some gross things on your list, like cleaning a toilet, or the cat box; that way if you do start to feel hungry or like you might binge you can tell yourself "after this next chore" and then you won't want to. I love gum, I chew it all the time it keeps my mouth busy, when I think I'm going to eat I put a new piece of gum in my mouth. I won't want to spit it out if it's new and by the time it loses flavor I will have gotten myself into check. Instead of telling my body I'm starving it I let myself think I feed it, black coffee for breakfast, diet coke for lunch, and green tea for dinner, ad water in between throughout the day. I know that sounds silly, but it really works for me. Talking on the phone is another big distractor, if I'm on the phone I won't eat, it's so rude to be like chewing in someone's ear, not to mention gross! Also, this is probably just me, but when I'm home alone and cleaning I spen most of the time in a tank and sleep shorts or just a tank and my undies. this is a great reminder of why I certainly don't need to eat! all I have to do is look down and any bit of appetite I had, BAM, gone. Yup. I hope these lil tips help
Stay Busy Stay Strong! XOXOXO

Regaining Control

curlyish hair Thoughts?

Today was a good day. I feel very accomplished. I fasted all day! I cleaned out my car, I do still need to vacuum and wash it, but it gives me something to do tommorrow. I kept myself busy and distracted, I went to the mall and met up with a cute boy :D and then had a girl date with my friend. all in all a good day! Magic Mike was pretty good. Gotta love male strippers!

Oh! Also I made it down under 140 and have kept it there even with all this fluxuation, so today i rewarded myslef, only i got a great lil spiral curler instead of a waver. My hair doesnt hold curls well, and my friend has a spiral curling iron and its the only thing that works! I love it so I got my own. so here's how that turned out thoughts? ------->

Sorry this is a random post Stay Strong lovies! XOXOXOXO

Continentia.

No that's not a typo. It's Latin for control, but not like brute force rape-ish control, but control of mind. That's what I need, control over my mind. Mind over matter and all that. I wrote this on my wrist I really like it, maybe even tattoo worthy.

Any who today is the day. the day I stop failing and succeed. I'm going to fast like no body's business, and tomorrow as well. I'm going to take control over this. I'm going to keep myself busy and distracted.

How you say? Well I'm going to clean my car! I realize that doesn't sound so bad, except I could seriously live in that thing for weeks,with no problem. It's got clothes, and shoes, and just everything! It's mildly ridiculous, but today I'm going to clean it out, and vacuum it and shine her up all pretty.

Then I'm going to go see that new movie Magic Mike, with a coworker who I think I might end up really good friends with fingers crossed. She's really nice, and kinda heavy so I'll look great next to her. (I'm shallow I know) But sometimes its nice to feel a lil better about yourself. My other friend is seriously 5' and weighs 98 lbs, and eats like a horse, every one always falls in love with her, It's awful. So it's nice to be the "skinny" friend. Even if I'm not skinny.

I'm also gunna take my dog Maggie for a walk, Its hot as FUH here so that will probably have to wait for the evening tho. All in all though today is going to be all about keeping myself busy and distracted and in control. Continentia. Stay Strong beauties, think of me and wish me luck! I'lol probably check back in later <3 XOXOXO

Open Mouth Insert Foot...

FUCK! I'm really irritated and pissed and just... FUUUUUCK!

I promised I'd fast yesterday, nope didn't happen. Today? nope didn't happen.

Both started well, they started fucking great, then fucking breaking points. Just FUCK! Fuck the world with a big stick, or the whole goddamn fucking tree. (kudos if you recognise that) Just FUH!
After family left I checked the scale. No I'm not telling. this morning I was a lil lower, but not enough. Just FUCK!

Then, the 4th of July I had an amazing time with three great guys two hott assholes and one hott nice guy. A hot nice guy that also kinda liked me. Could I let myself like him back OH NO! Cuz the other two were hotter so what does that mean? I was a fucking jerk to him, and now a fucking week later I'm thinking to myself GAWD you're a fucking idiot you should try and fix shit. but can I? NOPE! FUCK he's already hanging with another girl. cuz guys like him are hard to come by. FUCK! just FUCK! I always find a way to screw shit up. ALWAYS!

I always ruin things for myself. I got down to the lowest weight I've been then I gain weight. I meet a decent guy and I tell him to go jump in a lake. What the fuck is wrong with me? Maybe fat has some sort of evil power that makes me this crazy bitch? Maybe thats why everytime I get something good going for me I screw it up. just fuck it. fuk it all! I hate feeling so out of control. I want control. I want a perfect body!

I'm sorry for my lil tantrum...I promise I'll do better, and be better...
Think of me lovelies. Stay Strong. XOXOXO

You Never Strike Out Blindly; You Fail In the Light

Welp, so much for starting my fast today, my family isn't leaving until tomorrow morning. Which means that I spent the day being watched and force fed. I even told everyone I felt sick. I was allowed to sleep in which was nice, but I was still forced to eat the carb heavy dinner. UGH!!!

But this week is going to be better, I'm going to fast my butt off. I'll fast Monday and Tuesday. I'll probably eat a lil Wednesday, then fast again Thursday and Friday. I'm going to work my butt off at the gym and take my pup Maggie for daily walks. That way I can work on my tan and get some excersise in ontop of working out at the gym. I'm super pumped and determined!

It seems that I'm at another plateau. It happens all the time. I went from 170 till the low end of the 160's and got stuck there for a while, and that happened when i dropped to the 150's, the 140's and now the 130's. I'm stuck again, so I gotta get myself down to the 120's I don't think I would mind getting stuck in the 120's, it was my original UGW, now my UGW is in the 100's.  I just gotta keep jumping from plateau to plateau uintill I am so thin I waste away. I'm taking control. I feel strong and motivated and I can do it.
I'm going to go float the river with some friends this week, and I'm not talking about some girl friends, oh no I'm talking about my hot guy friends! These are some of the hottest guys I know! So I have to be looking pretty great! I'm gunna be skinny damn it!



The three of them from the fourth of July
(Devin, Cameran, Devan)

I hung out with these boys on the 4th of July, and I LOVED IT! Devin the freaking gorilla carried me around on his shoulders most of the day, it was great I love being carried. I've known Devan for a while, we used to work together. So he saw me way back when I was an even bigger whale, he kept commenting on how skinny I've gotten, which was nice but I know in my heart I am not skinny, not yet. Yeah they're all tools, but it was a blast! We watched the fireworks and went to this lil fair thing, we even hung out at the bar, only Cameran is over 21, I'm 20 and Devin and Devan are 19. The upside to living in Idaho, and going to a small town for the 4th celebrations is the bar is way to busy to ID everyone, and the gorgeous bartender gave me tons of free drinks! WHAT A NIGHT! Nothing like hanging out with some hotties. These are my new triggers, we've been hanging out alot, they're all great guys and I always have a ton of fun, minus having to listen to Devan talk about all the hot tiny girls. All three of these guys are so hot, I want to be the kind of girl that they would want. the kind of girl that they talk about, the kind of girl that you expect to see hanging out with guys like these. I can do it! Stay Stron Beauties! XOXO



The four of us on our way home from the 4th









It's Never Too Late To Be What You Might Have Been

UGH!!! So, my sister, my nieces and my grandparents are in town, and all of them are staying with my parents and I. Making it IMPOSSIBLE to not eat. We've gone out tonight, and its spagetti night tonight. I keep saying that I feel sick and they keep telling me I'm fine. I don't know what to do. Growing up spagetti was always my favorite thing (just look at my fucking thighs) if I could go back in time and bitch slap young me I would. Anyway, I'm really upset. And cant wait for them all to leave tommorrow so I can fast! Ugh I feel so fat! Sometimes I really wish I could purge, but I can't bring myself to stick my finger down my throat, and yesterday I tried to guzzle a ton of water till i felt like I was going to puke, which worked I felt awful but then nothing. SHAT! Help, does anyone have any tips? Please share! stay strong ladies think of me! XOXOXO

Cellphone Addict

Mkay, so I got the blogger app on my phone and I'm excited to use it hopefully it will be good, some of the reviews on it were less then awesome, but I'm relatively easy to please ;) This should make posting quick updates way easy though :)

Fun fact this morning I weighed in at a remarkable (for me) 133 pounds! The lowest I've been I'm so excited! I was worried. But more on that later when I have time to really write, I'm waiting for my friends to get out of work so I can drive him home and I'd rather not have him catch me. Stay Strong Beauties! Tell me what you think of the new mobile shat if its different or anything. XOXO

Fuck You Binge Monster- I'm Going To STARVE You Out!!!

SHAT! SHAT! SHAT!!! I feel a fucking binge coming on! Today I've done really well just some watermelon and a cup of watermellon for lunch, and a cup of watermelon for dinner. But right now I feel a serious hard core binge coming on. I want Food heavy greasy disgusting way too many calories food! I want to go to Panda Express and PIG out! And go to Dutch bros coffee and get the giant ass iced coffe with caramel and whipped cream! UGH! I want cheetos! Luckily I can't go anywhere right now cuz I'm watching my nieces, but we have cool ranch doritos and guacamole and they are screaming my name! We also have cookies and ramen! Chicken ramen is my weakness... SHATTT!!!! I'm writing this to try to calm myself down. And then I'm going to chug a glass of water, tap water from my bathroom, I can't risk going to the kitchen. After I drink as many glasses of water as it takes me to want to vomit, I'm going to look at as much thinspo as I can! I'm feeling weak! This morning i weighed in at 135.2, the lowest I have ever weighed. I don't want to throw it all away! I'm going to watch fireworks tommorrow night with not one, not two, but three hott guys! One of whom says he's into me and we've only really met once for a second and since then I have lost at least 15 pounds. So I want to be as fucking sexy as possible! I want to look amazing, I want them to be drooling! Also I'm going shopping with my friend Kelsey Thursday and she is litterally I'm not fucking kidding a size 0. So FUH! I want to be thin, I want control, and I feel like I'm losing it right now. I promised myself I would get a belly piercing when I weigh 130 and I'm only 5.2 pounds away I'm so close! And I want this so bad! Ok, I'm calming down and I'm starting to feel a little better, I still can't risk going downstairs or anywhere near the kitchen. I'm going to try and go to sleep I can't eat if I'm asleep now can I. Okay I'm fine, sorry about this. It feels good to know in my moment of weakness I can come here and let it all out. I will keep CONTROL I will be PERFECT! I am stronger than my cravings. Wish me luck, Stay Strong! XOXO

I Don't Stop when I'm Tired. I Stop When I'm Done.

Mkay so today was the last day of the fast, ans let me say this one has been strangely easy. I did not make it the full 72 hours, I ended it and had 1 cup of watermellon after 62 hours. Not because I needed to binge, but because I felt VERY weak. When it comes to fasting I think it is important and know your limit. And at that point it was my limit. I didnt go crazy, and didn't eat much, but I felt much better afterwards.

Over all this fast was easy, there was only one tough spot, Sunday night before work my dad thought it would be great to make me dinner. AH! Luckily I have a dog so I dropped all my meat down for her. I also had a dark cup and would pretend to take bites but actually put the bites into the cup, now this only works if you're not close to the other members of the family eating with you. Then after dinner you can dump it down the toilet, or outside whichever you can manage. I feel pretty great!
Tomorrow I'm going to eat, then go back to fasting I think. Wish me luck beauties! Stay Strong! XOXO

Perfecting my Emptiness

Mkay so in an hour I will have officially made it through 48 hours of fasting! WOOO! It's going great so far! I havent even felt that hungry! so things are going good!

So I figured now would be a good time to check in with some stats :)
Weight: 138.2   BMI: 24.5
Measurements
Bust: 37" (-2")
Ribs: 31" (-1")
Waist: 28" (-3")
Hips: 36" (-2")
Thigh: 20" (-1")
Knee: 14" (0)
Calf: 15" (0)
Ankle: 9" (0)
Wrist: 6" (0)
LAST TIME
Weight: 147.6 BMI: 26.2
Measurements
Bust: 39"
Ribs: 32"
Waist: 31"
Hips: 38"
Thigh: 19"
Knee: 14"
Calf: 15"
Ankle: 9"
Wrist: 6"

Check it out!

Just finally make the tips and quote page, it's got my favorites, and the ones that work best for me, sorry if there are any repeats, feel free to send me your faves to throw up there!

My fast you ask? It's been a lil over 36 hours and i'm feeling fine, I have to work toninght hopefull all goes alright. Have to say working a a grocery store doesn't help at all! I should be fine though I'm damned determined to do see this through! Think of me
XOXO Stay strong!