Slow Start Sunday

Baby Food Diet Day 1-
Yesterday morning I weighed in at 143.6
This morning I weigh in at 142.4 that's a loss of 1.2 lbs!

Now, yesterday was the first day of the diet.
I started my day with my vitamins a glass of water and fruities peach, apple, & banana baby food for breakfast. (90 cals).
Then for lunch I was with my boyfriend so I had a bit of popcorn chicken thinking that would be my one solid food.
Unfortunately we had dinner at his parents house. so I had a small serving of bean and turkey soup. UGH! but clearly it wasn't too bad if I still lost a pound. I did get enough of water. the baby food wasn't bad. it tasted pretty ok, sorta like super smooth apple sauce.

Today Is day 2 and hopefully it  will be easier. I'm going to start keeping one of my little packets with me so I can play sick if I need and still get my baby food in. I'm going to be home all day today and so I can get my breakfast and lunch in no problem hopefully, then since it's new years eve I'm spending the night with my boyfriend, and wine is on the menu I don't know about any food though.

Alright so there you have it!
Stay strong ladies!
XOXOXO

NEW YEAR NEW BLOG!!!

Okay!
So the new year is coming, and I'm hoping to get down to my UGW this year.
but with so many diets out there, and so many ways for a girl to try to lose weight how on earth are we supposed to chose???
I've decided to take on different diets, do them and tell you all about them on here.
I decided to start a little bit crazy.
WITH.....
.....drum roll.....

the BABY FOOD diet!!!!

HOORAY!!!!
I've researched it, and the basic idea is that baby food is low cal, portion controlled, high in nutrients, and not solid so should slide right through. and the rules are simple.
1) eat baby food for 2 meals a day, ideally breakfast and dinner.
2) have a normal meal for dinner, so as to get some solid food in 'ya if you can try and only eat half portions.
This is meant to be more of a cleanse so it's recommended for about a week. Jennifer Anistan, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Lady Gaga have all been linked to it.

I will be doing this diet for a week. in the morning I will drink a glass of water have my baby food, then follow it with another glass of water. the same for lunch and then a small dinner. if I have to because of family or boyfriend complications I will adjust my "solid meal" as I see fit.
I'm going to try to stick to this, and check in nightly. tomorrow morning I'll post my starting weight. Tomorrow will be baby food day one! wish me luck!

Now since I'll be doing this for 7 days eating baby food twice a day I'll need 14 things of baby food, I found these cute little pouches at work, they look like a kind of applesauce my mom sometimes buys me so I thought they'd be good. I only went for fruit flavors, because I just couldn't bring myself to buy peas, or god forbid a chicken dinner. GROSS!!!
I got 9 pouches with flavors I thought I'd like then I'll get some more after I know I like them and if I stick to it like I hope I will.

I got 2 brands, Gerber, and Beech Nut (an all natural brand).
In the Gerber I got 3 Gerbers Graduates Grabbers
-Apple, Mango & Strawberry (60 cals)
-Banana Blueberry (100 cals)
-Fruit and Yogurt Strawberry Banana (100 cals)
and then 1 Gerber Organic
-Banana Mango (90cals)
In the Beech Nut I got 5 Fruities On-The-Go
-Banana, Apple, & Strawberry (90 cals)
-Apple, Peach & Strawberry (80 cals)
-Peach, Apple & Banana (90 cals)
-Apple, Mango & Carrot (70 cals)
-Peach, Mango & Squash (70 cals)
I had  picture of all of them on my bed but I lost it :(

All in all It should be fun. Hopefully you'll all like my blog give me feed back!
Stay strong my dearies!
XOXOXO

Ho Hum

Sorry I've been gone for a few days.
Things have been busy!
I am so not looking forward to the holidays!
I have to attend not one, not two, not three, but FOUR dinners.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!
All of them with my boyfriend.
It's going to be difficult.
I'm going to zumba here in a bit! I can't wait!
I'm fasting today, and hopefully tommorrow.
I've started taking gummy vitamins,
they're great you can take them without eating and you don't get sick.
I was taking normal vitamins before but when I took them on an empty stomache they made me wasnt to puke, and they don't get into your system right if they don't have anything to bond with.
SO, gummies are the ones for me!
I'm also taking some for hair and nails.
My hair has always been slow at growing, and I'm trying to grow it out, so these should help.
YUP.
 Boring post I know.
I'm sorry.
I did want to ask if anyone had ever used laxatives, and what it was like.
I'm just curious.
PLEASE comment and tell me about it.
Stay stong my loves!
XOXOXO

If I let You In, Will You Run Away?

SO, I told Chris today about my self hatred...
Not about my relationship with ana,
but I did tell him about how I hate how I look.
I told him about how I haven't felt confident, and how that's why I haven't been aggressive.
He started to blame himself, and I told him that it's not his fault.
I've always felt this way.
He seemed surprised, and almost hurt.
He doesn't understand how I can't see myself the way he sees me,
but I can't.

Why can't I?
Why am I so broken???

I apologized for being so fucked up.
I've told him all along that I'm fucked up.
He never seems to believe me.
He says that he hates it when I say that I'm fucked up.
But It's how I feel.
Maybe once I'm thin I can feel the way he thinks I should.

Yesterday it snowed, I grabbed my pea coat from last winter.
Chris and I walked across the road to the store and I put it on.
He asked why I was wearing such a large coat.
I told him that it fit me last winter,, it's now too big,
I've lost about 25ish pounds.
He was amazed. I told him when we first started dating that if he had met me earlier on in the year he wouldn't have wanted me.
And how I had lost a lot of weight.
He didn't believe me. then when he saw the coat, and pinched all the extra fabric he was amazed.
I hate that he knows how big I used to be.
I just know he was picturing me as a fat ass.
His ex was fat, but I feel like she was the size I was before I lost all that weight.
I feel disgusting.
I want to be thin. I want his friends to look at me and say
:wow, she's the hottest girl you've ever been with"
I know they don't think that now.

I will be enough.
Pretty enough
Smart enough
THIN enough...

Stay strong my lovelies!
Think of me!
XOXOXO

Scale, Stress, and No Sex

So I made it on my three day fast! YES!
I did eat a little Friday and Saturday.
I've now gone 17 hours so far without eating.
I'm hoping I can turn today into a fasting day even though I wasn't planning on it.
I am going to do another three day fast this week, Monday Tuesday and Wednesday.
Thursday I have a date planned with my boyfriend which means food, but I'll "feel ill" so not much.

I have no clue what I weigh right now and it's stressing me out!
My scale hasn't been working properly.
I'll weigh myself 4 times in a row and each time I get a different reading.
AAAAAHHH!!!
What am I going to do?
I asked mom if we can get a new one, and she didn't seem keen on the idea.
Today we went and saw some friends and they all kept commenting on how "thin" I've gotten.
I think that made her worry.
But honestly I'm not thin. I've gone from a hippo, to a baby hippo perhaps.
But I am certainly not thin!

It's so frustrating.
One lady asked how much I've lost. I said "oh, some".
And she told me I don't need to loose any more.
I shrugged and said "we'll see"
She laughed thinking I was kidding.
They don't understand.
I NEED to lose the weight. then maybe I'll be happy and comfortable in my own skin.
I'm certainly not right now.

Chris and I have been having little problems. nothing major, but problems for sure.
We haven't had sex for about a week now, and he asked if it was his fault.
I have tried. And it's not his fault. I'm not good on picking up on his ridiculously subtle hints.
Apparently when he said "I'm going to change" after he got home from work that was my cue to follow him into to bedroom and jump him.
How was I supposed to know???
I told him it's not him, and it isn't.
Honestly I haven't felt particularly attractive lately.
And he's been in a piss poor mood.
And now he's playing the poor him card.
Acting like I don't wand him.
He wants me to be so much more aggressive then I am.
I worry that I'm not enough for him.
I'm terrified that he's going to get bored of me.
And now that I'm moving in with him everything is getting so much more real.
There's no turning back.
If we break up now it's going to be a nightmare trying to move out.
I just don't know.
I want to be so perfect for him.
I can't be that aggressive person in the bedroom if I don't feel confident and sexy.
I want to. But I just don't feel it.
Hopefully I can get out of my head and get over these winter blues and just be what he wants.
I was an actress in high school.
I'm going to play the part of confident girlfriend until I can truly be it.
Let's hope I'm as convincing as I think I can be.

Stay strong my loves! Think of me.
XOXOXO

The Sweet Taste Of Success

I have officially made it 60 hours without food!
 AND this morning I weighed in at 140!
Hell Yeah!
7 more pounds and I'll be at my lowest weight! I'm so excited!
This fast is going amazing! I haven't had any cravings yesterday, or today.
In fact I'm not even a little bit hungry.
Hopefully I can make it till 11 tonight without Chris trying to feed me.
He got really strange yesterday, I think he knows I haven't eaten the last couple days.
I tried to tell him I did but he seemed skeptical.
I didn't think he noticed I didn't munch on his fries yesterday like I usually do, but maybe he did notice. Hmmm...
Oh well. I really don't care, as long as I keep losing. I'm so close to my lowest weight, I can't wait to break through that and keep going lower and lower.
I'm at 140, one of my mini goals which means I get a little reward, but I'm not going to allow myself to, unless I can maintain this weight, or keep dropping. I'm thinking for at lesat 3 or so days.
Well ladies,boring post, I know, but I'll hopefully have something better to say later, this was mostly just a little check in.
Stay strong ladies!
XOXOXO

Starvation is Fullfilling

I've officially gone over 48 hours without eating a thing. I went to zumba and did awesome! I worked my ass off and when I was done I was sweaty, gross and oh so happy! After zumba came a challenge, my boyfriend Chris and I were at walmart waiting for a call (I'll explain in a moment) and we went into McDonald's to have a little sit down, and he ordered a huge meal, normally I much on his fries, but I told him no, and that I felt a little sick. He seemed a little concerned but ultimately accepted it! YES! I weighed in at 142.6 today! YAY! I'm getting there, slowly but surely! I'm surprised how easy fasting has been. I almost don't want to eat ever again. I felt a little weak after zumba and thought that I might have reached my limit from all the working out, but when I went to get something to eat everything looked disgusting, so I settled for a cup of tea. I'm so glad I'm getting my control back! THANK ANA! lol

K happy story time now!
Chris got his apartment today! YAY!!!
It's so cute! And he wants me to move in with him, which I will eventually. I spent today with him waiting to find out if he got approved, and once he did we got the money order (the reason we were at walmart) and went and got his keys! he even gave me one! I'm so excited! I helped him move most of his stuff in today, and I'm going to help with the rest, and some of mine tomorrow! I'm so excited like you don't even know! I love him so much! sorry that was gushy.

Any who, I'm dead tired. Night lovelies!
Stay Strong!
XOXOXO

"Anti-Thinspo" My ASS

Okay, so I was looking at thinspo for inspiration, and to find some more to add to my thinspiration page, I found a bunch on pintrest so I went and looked, they normally have plenty, and it's usually great and has a wide variety. Well today I found A TON of "anti-thinspo" shit! I can't believe it! Pictures of fat asses with slogans like "this is beaautiful too". No it's not, it's disgusting, and unhealthy. It just proves that "big" is the new standard. People are just expected to be large. this is disgusting! what are we teaching our children? with images of fat women dancing around in their underwear like its attractive?

This isn't attractine. It's DISGUSTING! -------------->
Why the hell would people promote this? One of the weak ass attempts to promote "anti-thinspiration" was a picture of a large woman laughing saying that we should love ourselves for who we are, and should trade our thinspiration for "GRINspiration". Um...NO! hell no.

<----DISGUSTING!
I refuse to let this become a thing. I was taught to "love myself" and grew up in a home where food was thrust at you, i was taught to empty my plate, not fill my stomache. and look where i am today, a fat ass fighting to fix the damage of what was taught to me as a kid. we need to teach kids that fat is not good.

SREW ANTI-THINSPO!!!
I'll do what I want! and frankly what good does an anti-thinspo movement do? If I want it I'll do it. And all of thier pictures of "beautiful/curvy" women? they don't make me want to eat, they make me want to go for a 10 mile run, and make a permanent ban on cookies from my stomache. Seeing those picture doesn't make me "appreciate" myself. it scares me. because I don't want to look like that. EVER!

This whole movement doesn't make any sence, only two types of people would agree with this.
1) Naturally skinny girls who don't know what it's like to feel inferior and hate ourselves.
2) Fat bitches who are too lazy and don't have enough control to fix thier bodies. So instead they chastize us for trying and taking control of out bodies!
UUUGHHH!!!!

Sorry for the rant. I just still can't believe what I saw! Has anyone else seen this? am I just sheltered?
Stay strong Loves! we'll make them eat their words just like they eat everything else, while we continue to shrink and disappear!
XOXOXO

Busy As A B

So today is the first day of my fast, and so far so good! I saw Chris this morning and we got coffee I took maybe three sips of the plain black coffee so yay! I'm going to go to the gym when I finish this post, I'm waiting on a call from my mom so I thought I'd kill some time and talk to all of my lovelies <3

Today feels good, I woke up and made myself a nice big list of things to do today, because if I'm busy and distracted I'm not eating! I've got plenty to do, I've got my water bottle by my side to keep me drinking all day, and I've got gum just in case of emergency. And I always have my thinspiration! I put some up on my thinspiration page yesterday and I'm going to put more up soon. A lot of it is sayings and what not, that's what really works for me As well as tiny things because that's what I want more than anything in the world! I hope you like I'm sorry if it doesn't work for you, I'll try and add some variety though

I'm spending the day mostly alone today I do have
dog though, and the best part is she always runs to the kitchen whenever someone goes in there, like my little reminder my "fridge guard dog" he looks tell me not to eat, but to give her a treat instead! Now every time i even step foot in the kitchen she is what reminds me not to even open the fridge. Hooray for silly, yet effective reminders. She's also a good work out tool, she loves being chased around the house, rather that bringing a toy back when you throw it for her you have to chase her, corner her and then get it back. who knew she'd make such an awesome buddy?

So, I'm back to 144 :(  I'm so super pissed! I still feel fat and disgusting! Hopefully I can get this fast to last three days and get my weight down! I just want to feel empty! I want to feel pure, and light! I can do it I know I can! I just have to stay occupied and busy! I made an Ana journal a few days ago and I've been adding to it, journaling my thoughts when I can't make it to the computer to blog them, it's actually pretty helpful I'll post some pictures of it soon I really like how it looks :) My smart phone died on me and now I have this crummy little flip phone until I can afford a new phone, so I need to find my camera to post pictures. This flip phone takes tiny pictures! It's ridiculous! oh well its better than nothing I suppose. I'll have to just deal. Maybe I'll make one of my goals a new phone, so not only do I have to save the money for it but I also have to get to a certain weight. Yes, I think that will work. that's what I'm going to do.

Sorry for such a random and boring post. I'm feeling a little mentally foggy. hopefully the pictures make up for it. Stay strong lovelies! We can do this!
XOXO

Giving In To Food Shows Weakness...

I've been weak. I've binged. Not on the ate the whole house sence of binge, not even in the ate more than the "recomended" 1200 calories a day sort of binge, Just in a I've been eating sort of way. I try to fast, I stop eating Around 6 every day, then The next day around 1 or 2 I eat, sometimes I stop there other times I have dinner with my family or my boyfriend too. So I'm fasting for 15ish hours. it's not good enough. I want to feel hungry. I want to be perfectly empty. Why can't I do it? I havent gained so I guesse i can't bitch and moan too much, I"m just frustrated, I used to have this iron will where I could fast for days without a problem, I could not eat for days and not feel weak or give in.

That person is still somewhere inside of me, I have to find her and bring her out, I love my boyfriend but this would be easier if I didn't have him. Time to deploy my excuses. I ate at home, or at work, or I don't feel well, and with my parents I ate with chris, or at work. I can do this. I can over come the fat. I will not let food control me. Food should only be used sparingly when you absolutely need it.

I CAN DO THIS! WE CAN DO THIS! any one got any good tips for me?
Stay stron loves!
XOXOXO

Maintaining Is Better Than Gaining

So this morning I'm still at the same weight as yesterday. I didn't eat most of the day untill dinner when mom made a veggie pizza and force fed me. ugh! But maintaining is better than gaining I suppose.

Today I worked from 6 in the morning till 3, I had a sugar free redbull on my first break then Chris brought me a sandwich and an orange for lunch, and now I'm having a cup of tea. I'm going to try and skip dinner. Hopefully I'll be down some tommorrow.

I was doing pretty good but being around people all the time is deffinately making things harder. I need some good fasting days. Tommorrow I work 5 am till 2 so maybe I can get a fast in tommorrow. I'd like to fast for three days in a row, but that is a hard task, not because I lack the will power, but because I'm around people A LOT lately, and Chris always wants to eat.

Hmmm I think I will have a belly ache this week maybe that will get him to not feed me. I hate that damned concerned look he gets. He knows I don't eat much and so he seizes every chance he gets to feed me. DAMN!

Side note!
I work with this girl named Noelle who just moved here from Washington, and she's really nice! I loke her alot! she doesn't have many friends cuz she just moved here, so I"m trying to reach out to her. I don't have many close friends so maybe she'll become one. I love making new friends :)

Well that's all for now dears, sorry for such a boring post.
I think I'll put up some thinspo later
Stay strong Lovelies!
XOXOXO

I'm Not There Yet, But I'm Closer Than I Was Yesterday

So this morning the scale read 142.8.
Yesterday it was 144 even.
That means I am down 1.2 lbs.
YES
I'm so happy to be getting some control back!
AND in a couple hours I'm going to do Zumba!
I love Zumba! If you've never tried it you should! It's so fun, the hour flies by, you get all hot and sweaty, but it doesn't feel like a work out, not untill the next day when you're like
"Wow, I'm sore in surprising places!"
And so far every class I've gone to has made me sore in different places.
Sometimes it's my thighs, last time my arms and calfs (SP???), sometimes it's my abs!
Thighsand abs are my favorite sore places! those are the ones I want to lose.
SO what have we learned?
Not eatingalone works wonders, I never realized how much time I have all to myself, where I normally munch, crazy! AND now that I only eat with others (within reason) people won't have a clue!
They'll think "wow Sam must be getting healthy, She always nibbles around us so she couldn't possibly be starving."
Hooray for an upbeat post for a change! I just did a SHAT TON of sit-ups so I might be on a bit of an endorphine high. WORKING OUT ROCKS!
Stay Strong My lovelies!
XOXOXO

My Eyes Are Rung Out And Dry As A Bone

I'm a crier.
It's sad really.
Good book, Sad song, twinge of pain.
And I"m in near hysterics.
I findmyself in tears more often then not recently now.
My boyfriend and I got in a big fight a couple nights ago and I cried and cried.
We made up, and are fine. In fact I've never been happier.
I think that's where my problem starts.
I'm so terrified of losing him.
last night in bed laying beside him I felt the tears start to fall,
luckily he was asleep,
but those nasty thoughts of him being as disgusted with me as I am crept into my mind.
I know that he loves me.
I just want to be enough for him.
Pretty enough, smart enough, good enough,
Thin enough.
This morning I weighed in at 144.
That's .8 down.
Again better than nothing.
I know that I can keep it up.
I can do this!
I feel like if I can lose the weight it will guarentee that he won't leave me.
I realize how fucked up that sounds,
but it's what I have stuck in my mind.
Stay strong lovelies! We all have our own demons to fight, but I know we can do it!
Love you all!
XOXOXO

Something Is Better Than Nothing

Today I FINALLY broke under 145.
I'm only at 144.8, Not much below but its still under 145. better than nothing I suppose.
I used to have a rule where I wouldn't eat before 7 am, or after 7 pm. Now I also have a personal rule where I WILL NOT eat alone. Period end of story.
The only time I will eat is if I'm with someone AND I absolutely have to.
Which worked yesterday.
 And so far so good today.
So yes.
 Let's hope I can keep this up and my gawddamned weight down.
Sorry for such a boring post.
Stay strong lovelies think of me! XOXO

Disgusting.

I feel fat.
I'm lying here in bed feeling fat.
I can feel the fat hanging off of my body.
I'm stuck at 145. DISGUSTING
I hate myself.
I Feel so lost. How can I fix this?
I'm not good enough.
My boyfriend is too good for me.
He's so skinny. He bragged to me about gaining 6lbs the other day.
That puts him at 126lbs. tops.
I feel so disgusting around him.
I don't know what he sees in me.
His ex was huge. much larger than me, I know, But I still feel wrong next to him.
I feel like everyone judges when they see us.
They think to themselves "look at that fat chic with the skinny fellow"
They wonder how awkward sex must be for him.
They think about how disgusting it must be for him.
The wonder if I squish him.
They wonder if maybe we don't do it at all because he might be crushed.
I feel enormous next to him.
There's a really pretty, and thin girl at his work that wants him so badly.
I know he must want her.
I would want her if I were him.
I'm so broken.
Too broken for him.
I want to be thin.
I want people to see us and think what a cute couple we are.
At work today on the bathroom mirror someone left a sticky note.
It said "size and shape DON'T determin your beauty"
It made me angry looking at my disgusting self next to that note.
I was alone.
So I ripped it off and crumpled it up.
The nerve of some people.
I'm sure it was some beautiful skinny girl who did it.
Of course size and shape wouldn't matter to someone who is beautiful.
I am not beautiful.
or thin.
So size and shape matter very much to me.
I'm disgusting.
DISGUSTING.